Is it even necessary to say how much break ups suck? You feel like your life has imploded, that you’re sinking into a black hole. Break ups literally infect every aspect of your life. Somehow a boy dumping you means you’re only hungry for Ben and Jerry’s; all the clothes in your closet no longer fit you correctly; and you question the meaning of your very existence.
Sixty percent of the time, boys suck every time.
Take it from me, I have been down this god forsaken road a few too many times. Before I got this all down to a pretty science, I went through some experimentation stages. You might be thinking since your newly ex-boyfriend sucks you should jump onto any male that comes walking within 10 feet of you–wrong. Or you think that you should just drown your sorrows in a bottle of gin and dance on a bar–wrong, oh-so-wrong. Or maybe you think you should just pretend like it doesn’t bother you at all, bottle up all your emotions, then find yourself hysterically crying in Davis Library for seven hours in the midst of finals.
After a break up it is safe to say you won’t want to be seen in public until after you have gone through the 5-stage grieving process. What better way to spend this time than in comfortable clothes (no, you are NOT allowed to wear his old t-shirt) in your bed, with all the lights off and an assortment of ice cream flavors awaiting you–all while watching movies.
But you don’t want to watch the wrong movie at the wrong time. Watching The Notebook when you’ve made it to the acceptance stage of the process could send you on the fast track back to depression. Here’s a list of the best movies to watch at each stage of the grieving process.
Stage 1: Denial (The “I’m fine” stage)
You’re not fine, let’s call it how it is. You’re a wreck. You can say you’re okay as much as you want but on the inside you have End of the Road by Boyz II Men playing on repeat. I am the queen of this stage. My friends have been known to call me a robot because I refuse to show emotion. But I will be the first to tell you, you need to feel. This stage calls for sad movies to get your hormones and tears flowing so you can move on to stage two.
Movies: Sliding Doors, The Notebook
Stage 2: Anger (The “Why me?” stage)
Movies: Closer, Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind (my personal favorite)
Stage 3: Bargaining (The “I’ll do anything, just love me!” Stage)
This stage holds the most potential for embarrassment. Turn your phone off. Lock your laptop in your roommates safe (yes, I have done this, don’t judge me). Do not talk to him because talking will turn into you begging and begging is never okay. Sure, he had great abs but he doesn’t have YOU anymore, so who’s the real loser?
Movie: He’s Just Not That Into You (Can you say, “Hell yeah, Jennifer Connely”?)
Stage 4: Depression (The “What’s the point of living anymore?” Stage)
This is my favorite stage. Is that weird? It’s a stage of pure emotion. You feel so many things all at once that you think you’re going crazy. This stage is like a detox. You’ll think I’ve lost my mind but just trust me, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is excellent for this.
Nothing teaches you the bigger meaning in life than watching a movie about a neglected boy turned brutal murderer/psychopath. You’ll realize that this break up isn’t so bad. You’re not being chased and chopped up, your family loves you and would never force you into a career as a killer.
I’m all about the larger picture, ladies.
Movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Stage 5: Acceptance (The “Where are my stilettos?” Stage)
After days of isolation from the rest of the world and way too many movies to be healthy, it is time for you to get back out there. Your girls have been missing you and are starting to think they should call Maury to help you out. So give them a call and GO OUT.
In my own experience I’ve seen that the best results come when wearing a leather micro mini and black stilettos, but that is not a hard and fast rule.
This movie should be played in the background while you’re getting all dolled up. It will give you an unlimited amount of laughs and automatically put you in a better mood.
Movie: Swingers
So there you go–the perfected method to get over any guy.
And just remember, he wasn’t that great; you’re way hotter; he’ll come crawling back, you’re still young; there are plenty of other fish in the sea; boys suck; and [insert your hopeful phrase here].
Pictures:
Broken Heart (photo): Flirtbodylingo, http://www.flirtbodylingo.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/break-up-advice.jpg
Sammy and Ronni (Photo): Nxtnline, http://www.nxtnline.com/2011/04/i-blame-her.html
He’s Just Not That Into You (photo): Collider, http://collider.com/hes-just-not-that-into-you-dvd-review/2822/