Growing up, I spent a lot of time flitting from hyperfixation to hyperfixation. In middle school, this mostly meant book series and fandom contents, like I was some kind of a YA-obsessed hummingbird. But by high school, I had added a new boy du jour option to the selection, so things went a little something like
January: Doctor Who and Jack from English
February: Torchwood and also Hayes from Geometry
March: back on that Harry Potter kick and also Marshal from –
You get the idea.
This, for me, was fun. Spending time in a good story allowed me to feel comfortable and adventurous at the same time, while also pretending that I was a part of it. You could feel known and never have to leave your couch.
The poor souls who I decided I had a crush on every few weeks probably had no idea, and they probably never will. They were also just some kind of a game though, something I could spend my time thinking about when I was bored because, at the end of the day, the last thing I wanted to do was think about myself.
In fact, I spent a lot of my formative years doing anything I could not to think about myself. I don’t mean this to say I was an exceptionally humble person; I mean to say that I was an exceptionally unthoughtful one. I was the antonym of introspection.
I had learned how to go off into my own head and daydream for hours if I had the chance because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how to spend time with myself.
Recently though, I’ve discovered that habit ended up being a destructive one. A good imagination is a wonderful thing, and, as someone now trying to go into writing and filmmaking, I think a big part of that comes from me staring out of my window in ninth grade, thinking of nothing but saving the world with Patrick from Drama (oof).
However, I think I missed out on something else that was equally as precious, and I’ve been trying to get that back more and more lately. I think it’s a real talent to be able to be on your own, undistracted and legitimately enjoying your own company.
Think about what you want. Think about who you enjoy and why you enjoy them. What are things that have always been true about yourself? How much have you changed?
Not to say, of course, that I’m a fully ascetic meditator these days, but this is something I’ve been thinking about, something on which I’m working.
For the longest time, I believed there wasn’t anything there. I believed I was a vacuum, just waiting to consume the next story, the next obsession, the next distraction. But that isn’t true. I contain worlds inside me.
So do you. So does everybody. It’s time to start exploring them.