Not even six months ago, I was in a completely different state of mind…and it wasn’t a good one.
College is so often described as a liberating experience, a chance to find your passions and run with them, yet I felt trapped. Trapped in a major I didn’t like and was not even remotely skilled in, despite putting in endless hours of hard work. Trapped in a cycle of assignments and mini mental breakdowns with no time for friends, clubs or even just a brief moment of peace. Trapped by the idea that even after getting my degree I would be stuck in an industry that I hated. Trapped feeling as though I couldn’t find happiness without disappointing the people I care about the most.
Now, I know that, in reality, I wasn’t really trapped. I was just far too scared to change my situation. I was scared that if I pursued my interests I wouldn’t be good enough, that I’d lack job security and financial stability, and, worst of all, that my father might see me differently if I didn’t live up to his expectations. I know that all good dads worry about their kids, and I know that mine pushes me towards the safest options. It’s because he cares. It’s because he wants to see me succeed and have the ability to live the comfortable life he gave me as a child, and he wants me to have the ability to give that same kind of life to my children. In all honesty though, that kind of fatherly love doesn’t make it any less terrifying when you’ve resolved to call him up, out of the blue, and tell him that you’ve changed. Not just that you’ve changed your mind, but that you’ve gone ahead and changed your major and your general path in life, or maybe even that you’ve changed as a person in some small way. I can’t say my voice has ever been shakier or my guts more inside out than they were during that one conversation, but I gathered up what little bravery I could, and I made one of my first big adult decisions in life, the decision to stand up for myself.
This is not meant to paint my dad as a bully. I’m also not saying that we get along all the time, but I love him more than I could ever even hope to describe (and I know that he feels the same way about me). Rather, this story is meant to move you toward your big adult decisions.
I want you to know that facing the fear is worth it. The risk far outweighs the reward, and, in some cases, the risk might not be as big as you thought it was. I’m not saying my dad was thrilled when I called him on that stormy, fateful day (it was actually stormy outside, I kid you not), but do you know what the worst he said was?
Nothing. He didn’t say anything bad at all. Just “I wish you weren’t so afraid to tell me,” and, with a sigh, “I just want you to be happy.”
That was it. The most relieving moment I have experienced in my life, to date. And I don’t think it was just the response that was a relief for me; it was the knowledge that I bit the metaphorical bullet. I took a long, hard look at what I wanted in life, stopped second-guessing myself and jumped. I decided what I wanted for myself and let myself lead the way.
Fast-forward to now, and I’m a new girl. Scratch that…a new woman. I’m trying new things, hustling harder than ever before (it turns out that’s easier when you like what you’re doing) and landing some of my first “real” jobs and internships. I’m thriving in every sense of the word, and it’s all because I plucked up some courage and took a chance. And that chance is what I think has helped me grow so much. I’ve gained more confidence in myself than I’ve had in years, and I’m finally motivated to succeed again. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to be scared and it’s totally okay to change your mind. These kinds of decisions aren’t easy, but making them is what I believe to be the first big step toward that thing we call “adulting”. It’s one of the first big steps toward womanhood, growing into that person you want to be and are meant to be. And trust me, you’re more than capable of that growth.
You’re ready.