At Carolina, where the gender ratio is not in a girl’s favor, breakups tend to occur all too often. They are painful and difficult to get over, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Here is the typical evolution of a breakup, and how to deal with each stage.
Stage 1: Wallowing
Primary Emotions: Sadness and Confusion
Right after the breakup, the only thing you will want to do is lie in bed, shovel ice cream into your mouth and cry to your heart’s content. This stage is marked by crumpled tissues littering your floor, mascara-stained pillows, and Adele blasting over your speakers. It isn’t pretty, but it is entirely necessary. Go over the relationship in your head, pinpoint what went wrong and assess your feelings about it. You are going to end up over-analyzing every detail anyway, so you might as well get it out of the way all at once.
Feel free to be as dramatic as possible, to get everything out of your system. This stage can last a day or two but don’t let it drag on too long. Cry yourself out, then drag yourself to the bathroom, wash the tear stains from your cheeks and reapply your mascara. It’s time to pull yourself together.
For the ultimate break-up playlist to accompany your wallowing, click here.
Stage 2: Utilizing Your Support Group
Primary Emotions: Numbness, then sadness, then anger, then back to sadness…
This stage is an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you are fine, the next minute you find yourself crying in the shower because you let your mind wander. Try to avoid being alone after a difficult break-up, it usually leads to thinking about how sad you are, and in extreme cases, a relapse back into Stage 1.
Instead, turn to your friends and family. Talking through the situation with someone who knows you well is a great way to make sense of your feelings. Friends love playing Oprah/Dr. Phil. Have someone over for dinner, or ask your best friend to get a pedicure with you. If your friends are busy, call your mom for a little chat. Moms are great at comforting, and she will remind you that you have plenty of people who still love you. Then plan fun outings so you have something to look forward to. Staying busy with your friends keeps your mind off of him.
Note: Anger towards your ex is another common feeling at this stage. You may find yourself fantasizing about punching him in the face. Please do not give into these urges. Go to a kickboxing class instead.
Stage 3: Focusing on Yourself
Primary Emotion: Optimism
This is probably the most important part of the entire breakup process. You need to gain your confidence back, so channel your energy into creating the best possible version of yourself. Pull your life back together, and decide what is important to you. Throwing yourself into your schoolwork and extracurricular activities is a very productive way to do this. Oh gee, I don’t have time for a relationship right now anyways. I am too busy being the president of this club/getting straight A’s/winning at life!
Then go shopping (getting something cute and just a little bit naughty from Victoria’s Secret always makes me feel better), get a daring new haircut, or go to the gym. When you are looking and feeling your best, you will be able to move on to the final stage of the process.
Stage 4: Moving On
Primary Emotion: Happiness
Depending on the severity your breakup, it may take some time to get to a place where you can consider seeing other guys. You may not find other guys attractive at first, but make a conscious effort to start noticing the other fish in the sea.
This does not mean get drunk at a party and hook up with the first guy you meet. Sleeping around will not fix your heartbreak, and it is damaging to your self-esteem. Instead, take it slow and keep it classy. Flirt with the cute guy sitting next to you in class, or have someone introduce you to their single friend. If you aren’t feeling up to actual conversation, *accidentally* drop your pencil on the floor and incorporate a little “bend and snap”. Works every time!
Bottom Line: You WILL meet someone who will make you happy again. Your ex is not the only guy on the planet. And if you are hung up on the idea that he is “the one” for you, here is a cheesy inspirational quote:
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”-Anonymous
Helpful Tips for Post-Breakup Behavior
1. Avoid the emotional Facebook statuses/tweets. No one cares, and all it does is make you look weak. Stay mysterious and keep your dramatic musings to yourself.
2. Excessive drinking after a breakup is a bad idea. Alcohol will cloud your judgment and make you even more emotional. Texting a drunken “I miss you” to your ex at 2:00 am will lead to regret and self-loathing the next day.
3. On that note, try to avoid contact with him for a while. It is normal to miss him and to want to tell him all of your feelings, but he doesn’t want to hear them. He broke up with you for a reason, so save your dignity and don’t leave crying voicemails or rambling texts. “Crazy ex-girlfriend” is not a good look for anyone.
4. If you do happen to run into him on campus or at a party, don’t be awkward or make a dramatic scene. Politely say hello, and go on with your business.
5. Don’t bad-mouth him. Even if he treated you like crap, spreading that info around isn’t going to change anything. Save the ranting for your best friend. For others who ask, just say it didn’t work out. People don’t need the dirty details, and you don’t want to seem like a helpless victim.
6. DO NOT FACEBOOK STALK HIM. You will inevitably find upsetting pictures or posts from other girls. Don’t torture yourself.
So ladies, I hope this was helpful. No, you will not end up as a crazy cat lady. Your biological clock is nowhere close to ticking. You are young, single, and hot, so go out there and take advantage of it. As a wise man once said, “YOLO.”