Even if your best friend isn’t a “bridezilla,” her road to happily ever after will go a lot smoother if you follow these five wedding dos and don’ts from contibuting writer Katharine McAnarney. * Names have been changed.
Weddings are supposed to foster love, hope and happiness. They should be full of fattening food, bad dance moves and creepy relatives.
But weddings often make us want to punch our loved ones and question whether we’re really related to them.
I was a bridesmaid in my friend Megan’s* wedding recently. I had never attended a wedding before, but I was sure all the romantic comedies I had seen would prepare me. Newsflash: Movies don’t depict real life.
I’ve been best friends with Megan since my freshman year of high school. We roomed together our first year at UNC-CH. I thought I had a handle on her personality. But I couldn’t have predicted her becoming a diva.
Megan has Carolina blue eyes, a no-nonsense attitude and a hidden perfectionist streak.
She is the most organized and particular person I know. I knew she would not turn into a fire-breathing bridezilla, but as a wedding greenhorn, I didn’t know what to expect.
Before you zip into the ugly bridesmaid’s dress and step into the coordinating shoes, remind yourself of what not to do at a wedding.
- Do not agitate the bride. Ever.
I always thought the bridal party got ready a couple of hours before the wedding. Wrong. Two weeks before the event, Megan emailed me a minute-by-minute itinerary listing our duties from Friday morning to Saturday evening. I didn’t know it took 36 hours to prepare to walk down the aisle. I gently told her I had to work Friday and got a biting email listing why I should have planned in advance. Like a good, terrified bridesmaid, I took the day off. And Megan went back to her usually pleasant self.
“Stress can bring out hidden parts of a person’s personality,” Kelsey Merlo, a psychology graduate student at Georgia Institute for Technology, said in an interview. “Most people are conscious of social norms, but when they get stressed, they forget those social norms and go after what they want.”
In this case, what the bride wanted was to have her bridesmaids follow her around for 36 hours. I resigned myself to being the Pippa to her Kate Middleton.
Advice: Prepare to give up a weekend or more for the wedding. Do not interfere with the bride’s plans.
- Do not lose focus during the rehearsal.
Megan had her outdoor wedding in Cary, N.C., during Hurricane Sandy. Not even a Category-1 hurricane could change Megan’s dreams. I focused more on avoiding the gale-force wind by hiding behind swaying trees and shivering people than on what the wedding planner said at the rehearsal. I knew I walked in with Dave*, a high school senior with a John Lennon haircut and big caramel-colored eyes, but that was about it. Karma kicked me later for focusing on my goosebumps instead of where I should stand during the ceremony.
As we walked down the aisle, Dave and I looked like two deer caught in the headlights. We plastered wide grins on our faces, avoided looking at anyone and sped to the gazebo, where the preacher stood. The wedding director kept waving at us to slow down, but we ignored her because we wanted to be out of the spotlight.
When we let go of each other, we went hesitatingly to our sides. I couldn’t remember if I was supposed to stand directly behind the maid of honor or how the photographer wanted me to hold my bouquet.
I can recite Shakespearean sonnets and some of the Constitution, but I couldn’t remember to hold my flowers like they were a baby. The photographer told me the way I clenched my bouquet made me look like a caveman with his club. Good to know that when I’m in a cocktail dress and fancy heels.
On the way out, Dave and I communicated who should move first with our eyes and eyebrows. A long pause ensued, and the wedding director motioned us to move. I felt like we should validate her and listen. I made the first move, and we power-walked and grinned till our cheeks hurt.
My mother later told me our entrance was the best part of the wedding because it made her laugh. I’m glad my lack of grace was funny to someone.
Advice: Pay attention during the rehearsal because it’s there for a reason.
- Do not complain about your hair or your make-up.
I had never had my hair and make-up professionally done before. I pictured myself looking like Grace Kelly when the stylists finished with me, but when I looked in the mirror, I looked like an overdone beauty pageant contestant.
I asked for a low, messy bun but got a high, tangled bump on the right side of my head that looked like a brain. I had 48 bobby pins in my bun and enough hair spray to destroy the ozone layer. But Megan said that my hair looked beautiful. I smiled weakly as I cringed on the inside.
She said my bronzed face looked flawless and the purple eyeshadow made my eyes look bigger. That’s because the stylist colored my eyelid to my eyebrows like a coloring book. I thought: Drag queen.
I asked if Megan wanted that particular look. She said it was perfect. It always amazes me what some people think is pretty.
Diane Tighe, director of catering and conference services for the Washington Duke Inn & Golf Club, said bridesmaids should not tell the bride what they want to look like.
“She obviously has chosen her bridesmaids to give her support and to be a part of her special day,” she says in an interview. “This is the time to keep your mouth shut – the opinions of others are not really needed.”
Jenny*, Megan’s younger sister and the maid of honor, assured me I looked pretty and that Megan wanted us to look a certain way. Translation: I might die of embarrassment, but the hairstyle wouldn’t kill me.
While I didn’t like the up-do, it withstood 20 mph gusts of wind. Not even Hurricane Sandy could mess with Megan’s plans.
Advice: It is her wedding day. What you look like reflects her taste, not yours.
- Do not turn down interested dance partners.
Megan’s husband, Ian*, is a computer science major from N.C. State University. He invited about 20 male friends from his college years. I don’t know what the male-female ratio is in computer science, but the men at this party took any opportunity to talk to a girl. I felt like a piece of food left on the beach. The men were seagulls. Men came up to me to make small talk and ask to dance. Being picky, I gently turned down the first few. My mother glared at me and said, “Dance with those nice boys.” At weddings, people expect bridesmaids and single ladies to dance with eligible suitors. I now understand why women in television shows and movies refuse to go to weddings without a date.
As the next slow song came on, Simon*, a short man with cropped brown hair and dark brown eyes, ran over to my table and asked me to dance. My mother poked me in the ribs. I got up grudgingly.
Simon didn’t know which hand to hold, so we looked like those people who signal planes on the runway. I could see over the top of his head and wondered what he saw when he looked at me.
We danced close to Ian and Megan, and as I watched them smile at each other, I realized I needed to suck it up. Megan’s wedding was not a social mixer; it was supposed to be the happiest moment of her life. I wanted her to look back on that night and see everyone enjoying themselves. If that meant dancing with a short boy who thought the Running Man was an appropriate dance move, then so be it.
Advice: Dance with everyone who asks you to. It’s not like you have to marry them.
- Do not forget that the bride loves you.
As the party faded and people trickled outside, I realized that being a bridesmaid was not that bad. Yes, I had purple eyeshadow up to my eyebrows and a hair-sprayed rock on my head, but I also had fun.
Megan and I danced to old Backstreet Boys songs and sang the lyrics to each other. It reminded me of high school dances we went to, the sleepovers we didn’t sleep at and the memories we shared. As everyone shuffled out of the purple, glittered reception hall into the dark, gusty night, I realized it would never again be just Megan and me.
Guests lined up in two rows with flaming, multicolored sparklers outside the building to send Megan and Ian on their honeymoon. I was terrified my over-sprayed hair would catch on fire. As the couple walked through the shower of burning light, Megan ran over to me, squeezed me on the shoulders and said, “Thank you for being my bridesmaid.”
As she waved at me from the white stretch limo, I understood why everybody loves weddings. Yes, they prove stressful, annoying and tiresome, but they can be sweet and meaningful if you don’t lose track of the bigger picture. That another person swears he will love your best friend forever.
“Be her rock,” Tighe, the wedding planner, said. “Let her know you are there to help her to enjoy and make this day a memory that she will never forget. Hopefully, she will return the favor as your bridesmaid.”
*Names have been changed