FDOC… Translation: First Day Of Creeping. Admit it. We’ve all done it. We’ve all experienced that instant feeling of regret that comes after sending the hunk in your English class a friend request. It’s taken you three chocolate bars, forty minutes of blasting Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me”, multiple pep talks from your closest buds, and more caffeine than you’re willing to admit to get to this point. Zero mutual friends… no biggie. He’ll be honored I looked him up, right? Right. *Add Friend*
Well, that wasn’t supposed to happen. You weren’t supposed to like that two-year-old picture. What if he sees the notification on his home screen? You slink into the seat of your chair, your mind racing and filled with thoughts of fear, regret, and embarrassment. It’s the end. The world has come to an end. You un-liked it, but it’s too late. There’s no going back now. You will never realize just how quickly your fingers can move until you go to un-like that blasted picture. You were just swiping through his profile pics, but didn’t realize how close you were to the button that can make your whole body freeze like that pint of Ben and Jerry’s you never fully closed. Remember those yoga moves you learned at the 7 o’clock yoga session your roomie dragged you to? Now would be a good time to practice. After you’re done, bust out that carton of ice cream, start chipping away at it, and remain calm. Oh, and breathe… that’s important too. I promise it’s not the end of the world. To prepare you for situations such as this one and countless others, I present you with the unofficial list of the do’s and don’ts of Facebook creeping…
Don’ts:
Don’t say it. Sure, you know he spent four months traveling all over Europe but if he hasn’t told you in person, don’t mention it. You’re going to be tempted to compliment that generic photo of him holding the Leaning Tower of Pisa or the one of him in sunglasses rowing through Venice on a gondola, but don’t. Remind yourself that it’s seven months and three profile pictures old. Resist the urge.
Don’t panic. You see it. Your heart stops. Your hands start dripping sweat. It feels like you’ve been stabbed in the heart with a thousand knives. You were hoping it wouldn’t come to this, yet there it is. You know exactly what I’m talking about, the picture of your soon-to-be husband with his arm draped around a tall, brunette, model-esque size 000. Forget the fact that it’s a three-year-old picture complete with braces, acne, and an image of your pre-puberty love interest. DON’T, I repeat DON’T panic. Remember, it’s three years old. They probably don’t even speak anymore. Unless there’s recent photographic evidence of an ever-growing relationship, there probably isn’t one.
Don’t like a picture of him from the sixth grade. Did he look adorable? Maybe. Is it worth letting him know you scrolled through seven years worth of pictures ten minutes after he accepted your friend request? NO. You can like it at the reception after you say “I Do”.
Don’t be afraid. It’s three a.m. and at this point, you’re single handedly keeping Keurig in business. You happen to be scrolling through your Facebook home page and notice he posted something 17 minutes and 37 seconds ago. Don’t be afraid to send him a message asking him why his bed isn’t calling his name by now. Okay, don’t phrase it like that, but you get the main idea.
Do’s:
Do offer up your study buddy services. You’re in the same English class… bring it up! It’s the perfect conversation starter! Send him a message and ask him if he could proofread your paper. School first, right? Look at how studious you’re being!
Do like his posts. Should you like all of his posts, forwards, tagged photos, and “*insert name here* is going to *insert event here*” notifications? No. However, if you think something’s funny, cute, interesting, or in any other way appealing, like it! He’s not going to be creeped out just because you liked a status or picture! Don’t tell yourself he will be and just like it already!
Do pay attention to things other than pictures. It’s very tempting to click that photos tab and go to town. However, don’t forget to pay attention to his wall. What do his posts tell you about him and his character/personality? I know it’s hard to believe, but although you both liked Taylor Swift’s fan page, it doesn’t exactly mean you’re destined to dance the night away to her tear-jerking “Last Kiss”.
And there you have it my lovelies! Just a few tidbits of advice to give you the confidence you need to virtually friend him. Ready… set… friend! Seriously, now. DO IT. Fine, but this is the last round of “You Belong With Me”.
HCXO,
Maelin