During my first year of college, I was in a very dark place, I was trying to cope with the recent loss of my father and trying to juggle being a new college student, a chemistry major at that, and my heart wasn’t in it. One night in particular, I couldn’t sleep because my mind was going crazy, so I decided to type my thoughts in my notes, and these were the results:
I want to runaway to a place far far away, I no longer like it here… correction I never liked it here. God says love everyone but it’s hard to even like them. Does anyone even really care about me or do they just act as if they do because it benefits them. My dad is dead and sometimes I wouldn’t mind if I was too but other times I know I have to fulfill my purpose in life. My purpose in life, what exactly is that? I know what I want it to be but is that what it’s going to be. I want to make people feel something or ignite a spark within them through stories I create or stories I’m portraying. I can’t imagine myself doing anything not related to the Tv/Film industry even if no one believes in me… I don’t care, I don’t need them and I believe in me. I stand by running away, far far away… but where would I go, I have no place to go, I have no money, no money means no nothing. I could save up the whole summer but how much would that really help…? Sometimes I just want to be alone, sometimes I just want to be alone with someone who understands me, who loves me, but sometimes I feel like that person might not exist. Love…. what exactly is love? People throw that word around like it means nothing…. well, does it… mean nothing? I’ve never been in love and quite frankly, I don’t know if I ever want too. I’ve seen what it does to people, women especially, and how they ruin their lives and make bad decisions because they “love” a guy who probably never really loved them back. What they don’t realize is that you have to fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with someone else, otherwise they’ll give their all and lose themselves….but if they never found themselves, is it really a loss and what exactly was it that they gave to the person that they “loved.” (There’s way more but this is the beginning and the part I wanted to focus on)
Now how did I move on from that, you may ask. Well, thankfully, I am in a totally different state, literally and figuratively. When I wrote that little summary in my notes, I didn’t want to live, I stopped asking God to wake me up in the morning in my prayers, I just no longer wanted to feel the overwhelming emotions of heartbreak I was feeling from the loss of my father and the stress of college. Then, I came across Joyce Meyer’s book, “Battlefield of The Mind,” I usually don’t like to read, but something told me to pick it up. I read a chapter every night, and it was a true eye opener. Joyce Meyer used the word of God and her personal experiences to express how powerful the mind is and how learning to control your thoughts is the key to a more positive life. I’m sure many have heard the saying, “A positive mind equals a positive life,” it’s true. Meyer’s book is a perfect read on learning HOW to transition into having a positive mind, and what it takes, because let’s be honest, it’s hard to just decide to have a positive mind and actually follow through with it and be consistent. So instead of just questioning my purpose, love, and life overall, I was coming up with answers to those questions. I always felt my purpose was to be in the film industry, but I was majoring in chemistry, not the best idea. I let other people’s doubts cloud my judgement, but I realized my belief in myself was enough. I started to focus on specifically what I wanted to do in the film industry, which is to be both a producer and actress. Also, on how I was going to accomplish it, that started with changing my major and transferring to a school where I felt the opportunities were endless. Now, I’m a Mass Media Arts major with a concentration in Radio, TV, and Film, with a minor in Theatre Arts, at Clark Atlanta University. When I was still at FIU, I started going to therapy, which was a huge help in crawling out of the dark hole I was in. Therapy helped me realize that I can’t go through life alone and having solid relationships with the people in my life was important. I started with focusing on completely loving who I was so that I could truly love others, and if any of those friendships or relationships failed, then the new found love I’d have for myself would still be there and be enough to keep my head up. Life can be a challenge so, try to enjoy the journey that is life, discover who you are, pursue your passions, love, be happy, most importantly, keep a positive mindset. Many say, follow your heart, I say, start with cleansing your mind, so that you can hear what your heart is saying.