You Are Not Crazy: Abuse Has NO Place in Love

Does your partner interrogates you all the time? Is he or she constant jealous? Overly possessive? Always trying to control you? Saying that you will not find anybody else who loves you and that you will be left alone? Watch out! It’s possible you are in an abusive relationship.

It’s easier to detect the early signs when the abuser displays behaviors like punching, grabbing, pushing you or throwing and breaking things. Physical and sexual assaults are the most common forms of this kind of relationship, but the system of abuse is much larger, with many abusive acts.

Sometimes, the victim doesn’t notice the mistreatment or denies that this is happening. Perhaps because she thinks it’s normal, or because she grew up in an unhealthy environment where it was common. In addition, many girls are taught that jealousy is synonymous of love, and “if a boy hits a girl, that’s because they have a crush on her”. But it’s wrong! You mustn’t accept this!

“Why doesn’t the victim break up with the partner?” It’s not that simple. Leaving is also dangerous, depending on the case, so we need to think about how she can respond to an abusive partner and keep security. It may also have other barriers such as lack of resources and information, no safe place to go, children, social pressure, shame, fear, isolation, low self-esteem and hope that the partner will change.

So, what can we do?

First, to avoid this situation, you must pay attention to the actions of your partner. You must be alert if they:

  • Are easily insulted, pissed off or angry
  • Make fun of you in front of others, humiliate and despise you
  • Force you to do things you don’t want to
  • Use manipulation tactics
  • Always point out your flaws and mistakes and complain about what you do, expecting perfection
  • Threaten violence or sharing your secrets/personal things
  • Curse and say terrible things to make you feel bad
  • Control where you go, who you talk to, which clothes you are allowed to wear and also think you have to ask for permission to do the things you want
  • Try to make it seems like they are always right and you’re always wrong, making you feel sad and guilty about everything
  • Blame others for their own mistakes and feelings and blame you for their problems and unhappiness
  • Cut you from friends and family, read your messages, check your Facebook account and your phone calls
  • Always put you down

Then, you must put in your mind that it’s never your fault. This behavior is wrong and usually gets worse, so don’t accept or make excuses for your partner’s abuse. Don’t be with someone who makes you feel like you are hard to love.

Emotional abuse can damage your confidence and results in psychological disorder, trauma, depression, anxiety, illness and pain. So, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Don’t tolerate them being rude to you, put your needs first. The abuser tends to love the power that came from the abuse, so they are difficult to change. You can’t fix them and you’ll only feel worse if you try. Don’t hesitate to search for a police station or chat with a lawyer, if needed. Consider getting a restraining order and talk to someone you trust. No one will judge you! When we love someone, we want to believe that they will change, but hardly the partner will stop the abuse, so sometimes, as hard as it may seem, it’s better to end the relationship entirely. A psychologist can always help you to rebuild your confidence after a breakup and to return to a happy, safe and healthy life. We all deserve to be treated well!

Article: Caroline Huertas

Edition: Isabelle Caldeira