I’m fascinated by the Seven Wonders of the World. For you countless engineers and psychology majors out there, the most common Seven Wonders of the World are: the Great Pyramid of Giza, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, the Temple of Artemis, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, the Colossus of Rhodes, and the Lighthouse of Alexandria. However, there is one more wonder which even the brightest minds throughout history have never even begun to understand. I am obviously referring to women and their sense of fashion. Now, most guys probably don’t care about what women wear nor do we notice. However, once you’ve had a girlfriend for an extended period of time you start to notice things, once you start noticing these things you start to ask questions, and once you start asking questions, you get answers that don’t really satisfy your curiosity.
Fashion Trend #1: Leggings. Let’s be honest, guys don’t care about the beautiful colors of autumn or the soft beautiful blanket that the winter brings. We look forward to the 26 weeks of dead trees because it means that girls will be wearing leggings. As far as some guys are concerned, leggings are Gods gift to the male population, which is true, but there are some of us who start to question their very existence. They aren’t pants, any girl will tell you that, so what the hell are they and how do they possibly keep you warmer than a pair of jeans or sweats? It’s practically a second layer of skin and I fail to find any type of thermal advantage to just wearing leggings with nothing over it. As a kid on the market, I no longer care much about it, but if someone could write a paragraph on why they’re so comfortable and suitable for chili weather then that’d be great.
Fashion trend #2: Anything High Wasted. This should be self-explanatory. Whether it’s a high wasted pair of shorts, pants or skirt I don’t see the appeal or the comfort in wearing anything that buttons up around your belly button.
Fashion Trend #3: Giant Bows In Hair. You should that if you’re past the age of eight and wearing them, they’re just annoying. You want to know who wore giant bows in her hair past age eight? Queen Mary the 1st. Do you want to know what people called her? Bloody Mary. You want to know why? Go read a book.
Fashion Trend #4: Heavy Eye Makeup. I understand the desire for long luscious eye lashes. Mascara is fine and a light layer of eyeliner is fine. When applied effectively it has a tendency to bring out your eyes of deep ocean blue or emerald green or (insert cliché here). But let’s try to avoid looking like raccoons. Very few know this, but raccoons are one the most invasive species of animals on Earth and they threaten the economic stability of urban environments on a daily basis and their numbers are only growing with each passing day. I personally feel that the world leaders have to get their shit together and forget about wars and world hunger and focus on the task at hand. But actually though, check this shit out.
Fashion Trend #5: Uggs. I see girls wearing these boots that resemble dead animals more than footwear all the time and do not see the appeal. Even the brand name turns me off. “Uggs.” It took me forever to figure out why that name was chosen and then I realized that the creators decided to acknowledge the fact that the product itself was an ugly abomination and felt it was appropriate to name it as such. Uggs is just a fancy term for “ugly.” It’s the only logical explanation. Girls literally wear footwear thats name was derived from the word “ugly.” Must be French or something.