At the end of this semester, I will be halfway through my journalism degree – and this is the first article I’ve written.
Over the past year and a half, I’ve been telling myself I’ll get to it. Telling myself I’ll send out a pitch idea on the weekend; over reading week; once this semester is over; let me get through first year and next year I’ll get on it. I can diffidently say that did not happen. I kept pushing it back because I had assignments to focus on, and that was my priority. I knew that I should be doing it, and I knew that I wanted to, but I just couldn’t get myself to take that first leap. It’s not because I was nervous or feeling not good enough, but I simply did not have the motivation to do it.
Don’t get me wrong, over the past year there definitely have been feelings of inadequacy. I’m seeing what my fellow journalism peers are doing. I see the amazing articles they’re writing, the positions they’re getting and the initiatives they’re taking. I’m not a liar, but I would be if I said I never wished I was in a similar place that they are. But it got to a point where I came to realise and admit the only reason they are where they are is because they’ve been putting in the work. Why would I be at the same place they are if I’m not even trying?
I also came to realise that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to them in a way that makes me feel bad about myself and jealous. I should be looking at them as motivation and inspiration to go out and do that myself.
Now, did that change of mindset get me to go out and start pitching and writing right away? No. It certainly did not.
So now I would like to return to where I said, “It’s not because I was nervous or feeling not good enough, but I simply did not have the motivation to do it.” Since grade 11, I’ve put immense pressure on myself to get good grades. It’s a long story on how and why that pressure started, and I won’t go into it, but since then, for my sanity to remain, I must lose it for a while as I spend countless hours working on my assignments until it is as perfect as I can get it – and even then I’m not happy.
This means my entire focus is on my assignments and studying. It completely takes over my brain, leaving no room for anything else. As much as I wanted to and knew that I should write articles, I just couldn’t. My mind and energy were being overrun by school stuff. Even the energy to get that done becomes limited after a while. So where was this motivation to reach out and write articles supposed to come from? I can assure you, it was not coming from me.
Again, I won’t lie, just because there was no motivation, doesn’t mean there was no guilt. I wish I could say this is my 15th article, but it’s only my first. Feelings of inadequacy remained, but not for jealous reasons. Just reasons for knowing I should be further along. I want to get a good internship one day, but how will I land that if I have nothing to show in my portfolio? Once I graduate, my grades aren’t going to be the only thing that puts me over the edge to get the job I want, I need that portfolio!
So, I decided, there’s no time like the present. It’s time. I got myself set up and sent out my first pitch – this one. It’s not anything fancy, but it’s something, and that’s all I needed. I’m hoping that now that I’ve started, I’ll be able to keep it up. Wish me luck, I guess.
If you happen to be dealing with something similar I’m not going to tell you not to worry about it because it is important to do and you’ll probably enjoy it once you do it (I already am!). But I also am not going to tell you to just do it, because believe me, I know that doesn’t work. We work at different paces and that’s okay. You may feel behind, but there’s always time to catch up. As the Chinese proverb that my dad told me once says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.” I can’t go back in time and start writing articles sooner, but I was able to start today, and I did.