*trigger warning: content discusses sexual assault*
We Know What Consent Is, So What is This About? Who Is This For?
One of the hardest things to validate is your own feelings about something that has happened to you. This is especially true when you have been conditioned to think ‘this was my fault’ or ‘I allowed this to happen.’ As many people who have been victims of sexual assault or ‘almost sexual assault,’ I have experienced a lot of guilt and shame for feeling victimized by what has happened to me.
The reason myself and many others have and continue to experience these feelings is because we have been raised in a culture of victim-blaming and of excusing behaviour that really constitutes sexual assault (hence my use of the term ‘almost sexual assault’) because it is not explicitly rape in the way that most people envision it- as a stranger forcing themselves on someone in a dark, isolated, inherently ‘dangerous’ location, like an alleyway. The experiences of those who have been raped/assaulted in such a way are just as if not arguably more traumatic, and I do not wish to take away from their pain and the validity of their experiences.
But their experience is not what this half-personal-essay, half-self-actualizing-rant is about. Because aside from the fear this traditional depiction of assault evokes, there is something altogether disturbing about struggling with even classifying what happened to yourself as not okay because it happened with someone you trusted, or because there were other substances involved. This culture is the reason myself and many others have trouble recognizing that they are allowed to be angry, to be sad, to feel violated, to feel traumatized, to experience any emotion under the sun regarding what has happened to them. This is about struggling to recognize there should not be a grey area when it comes to consent, and despite any sort of excuses that have been conjured up, whether by yourself, by the abuser, or by society itself, not saying no will never mean the same thing as saying yes.
Essentially, this piece is for people who have been victimized in such a way that they are struggling to validate their feelings about what they have experienced or are struggling to validate their experiences in general- I hear you, I am you, and what has happened to us is real and it is not okay. We are allowed to not feel okay.
What Constitutes the “Grey Area?”
When it comes to sex, it appears that many of the associated questions could be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Do you want to have sex? Yes. Are you too drunk? No. Are you enjoying yourself? Yes. “Yes” or “no” is about as black and white as it gets right? I reject that notion for a number of reasons, most notable among them that people tend to take advantage of a lack of “no” and somehow equate that with a “yes.” So let’s talk about what really constitutes the grey-area and why it shouldn’t exist in the first place. In its most simple form, it is the area that is created in the minds of some perpetrators when they do not receive an explicit “no” and in the minds of some victims when they did not or could not explicitly say “no.”
The grey area can be imagined for any number of reasons, but I tend to classify them into two main categories: intoxication and blurred boundaries (such as people taking advantage of previous/ongoing relationships). The reason I am insistent on the fact that it shouldn’t exist is because, although I can acknowledge this isn’t the case, questions about sex, and regarding consent should be black and white- they should be answered with a resounding “yes” or “no.” And the only way the absence of one should equal the other is when there is no “yes” it should mean “no.” There should never be any confusion on whether or not consent was given or received.
How Has It Affected Me?
In my experiences, intoxication and blurred boundaries have been a big contributor to cases of ‘almost sexual-assault’ that I’ve struggled with since they happened. My first experience, I asked to stop having sex and he simply told me no, to just wait until he finished. I was so caught off guard that I stayed quiet and unresponsive until he had. This was someone I trusted, someone I was seeing at the time, and he took for granted my consent was ongoing even when I told him I didn’t want to anymore. At first I just felt violated, empty, and sad. I think now I am angry. How could someone who claimed to care about me put their needs above mine like that? Why was it okay for them to hurt me physically and emotionally for them to feel good? But it has taken me so long to allow myself to acknowledge this wasn’t okay. I have repeatedly told myself that I was overreacting. That we had done this before, and I didn’t say “no,” at least not outright.
That is exactly where the grey area victimizes people- both victims and perpetrators. Here I was excusing behaviour that really traumatized me in a way because I wanted to believe that person cared about me and wouldn’t do something like that. I also felt guilty for feeling any sort of way about it when people have experienced so much worse; it felt so insignificant and unworthy of me being upset. And I imagine he is still ignorant to how much this affected me and that this constituted assault because he fell victim to this supposed grey area as well. And so I told myself it was fine for months until I started crying when I was jokingly told no to stopping (in bad taste yes, and he knows it too). I had internalized the fear that I no longer had control over what happened to my body for so long that when I was faced with it again, I broke down completely.
My second experience(s) I consider as one because although they happened with different people on separate occasions, they have the recurring themes of intoxication, and again, blurred boundaries. The first time I had gone over to the house of someone I was seeing after a party, extremely intoxicated. When I woke up I wasn’t dressed. I still have no memory of saying yes or the actual event itself. He was completely sober. The second time still occurred with someone I knew, and considered a friend of sorts. I had consistently turned him down when I was sober but following a party we were both at, I drunkenly went home with him. Again, I woke up in a state of undress with no memory of consenting or what had happened, but with already visible bruises and pain all around my throat/neck. Both of these events I have had a hard time allowing myself to feel upset about them because these were people I trusted, because I had let myself get to that state, and because I had gone over or with them. Maybe the boundaries had been blurred, but I don’t remember what happened, who was to say I didn’t say yes?
Legally, when under the influence of various substances, you cannot consent. I’m not typically one to throw legal facts around, but in this case I agree. How was it okay someone had used my body when I myself was hardly in control of it? I didn’t feel okay that people I knew took advantage of our pre-existing relationship. But again, I didn’t really allow myself to feel upset about it because so many people had experienced so much worse, and I felt partly responsible for getting drunk and making myself vulnerable in the first place. Many of my friends have also had similar experiences so it became normalized in my mind.
Again, now I feel a little angry. Getting taken advantage of and subsequently violated shouldn’t be the punishment for getting drunk. And so many people shouldn’t be blaming themselves and excusing this behaviour. This shouldn’t be so common of an occurrence that it hardly registers as not okay among myself and many young people I know.
My third experience with sexual assault still involved intoxication on my part, but this time it was perpetrated by someone I had never even met. When attending my friend’s homecoming, I admittedly drank too much and decided to take a nap upstairs while there was still a party going on in her basement. I woke up to her neighbour who had apparently followed me upstairs shortly after kissing my neck and trying to undress me. Thankfully my friend came up to check on me and he left pretty quickly after claiming he was just making sure I was doing okay as well. This time I immediately felt violated. I had a boyfriend, I didn’t even know him, AND I was asleep. There was no way I had said yes to this. I blamed myself for again making myself vulnerable, for putting myself in that situation and squashed any feelings I had surrounding the situation. I struggled with mixed feelings because although this was closer to the more ‘traditional’ depiction of sexual assault I mentioned earlier since I didn’t know the person, it still wasn’t the violent violation in an alley that instills fear in anyone walking home alone late at night. And because he didn’t actually rape me, right? So I moved on until a co-worker asked me if I was okay at work the following Monday. I broke down and realized I was not.
How Can You Help Yourself and Those You Love Heal?
My biggest step towards moving on from traumatizing experiences has been validating my feelings and the experiences themselves. Once overcoming the shame and ideas that I had somehow asked for this to happen, that it was my fault or the sense of guilt that it wasn’t worthy of me being upset over, I think I finally began to heal a little. Positive self-talk is a more powerful tool than most people realize, myself included. Telling yourself that you are allowed to be upset and absolving yourself of wrongfully accepted blame is crucial to moving on from trauma. The most important thing I think you can do for yourself if you have had similar experiences, similarly been victimized by the grey area, is tell yourself firstly that it isn’t okay and secondly that it is okay to not feel okay.
The same is true for supporting loved ones who have been victimized, whether by sexual assault/rape in the way it is most commonly depicted or by sexual assault/rape that has occured within the confines of the grey area. Tell them they can be upset, give them a safe space to express their feelings, and don’t normalize or invalidate their experiences. Acknowledge that what has happened to them isn’t okay, however often it might happen to others. If it is someone you are in a relationship with, don’t push their boundaries and understand they may not be comfortable in some contexts; it is okay to ask them how they are doing and try to make sure they are okay with any sexual encounters you may have together.
I suggest reading Katrina Marie’s article “What to Say to A Partner Who is Working Through Sexual Trauma” for more insight on how you can support a partner who has been victimized, and recognize potential triggers. I will make the same disclaimer that she does: I am in no way a psychotherapist and I would always recommend seeking professional support via counselling if needed. For those who feel they don’t need to access counselling services, I am calling for the self and external validation of their feelings and experiences. Based on my personal experience, I truly believe that the first healing step is validation. And I understand that this may not be the case for everyone, but after accepting we can be upset and what happened was wrong, I believe we can then begin to consciously work through these feelings and make progress towards healing.