No one can deny that it is good to look on the brighter side of things. But, is there a point where this can be unproductive, and in some cases, unhealthy?
Yes, there is such a thing as too much positivity. According to Tabitha Kirkland of the University of Washington’s Department of Psychology, toxic positivity is the dismissal of negative emotions and the offering of false reassurance instead of empathy. To get a better understanding of this concept, let’s look at a couple examples in different contexts.
Example #1:
A friend says, “I’m really worried about my exam coming up.”
You reply, “Don’t worry about it! You’ll be fine.”
Example #2:
You are getting over a break up with your partner and express to a friend that you are really struggling.
Your friend reassures you by saying, “You’ll get over it!”
What’s the common factor in both of these scenarios? Too much positivity. The negative, sucky feelings aren’t acknowledged at all and are brushed aside with a hollow “look on the bright side!” mindset. Now, before I proceed any further, I must clarify that I am not a grouch who believes that the world should be devoid of all sunshine and rainbows. I am simply stating that we as a society must validate our negative emotions if we are truly to improve our state of being.
Culture often tells us to look at things with the “glass half full”. This very phrase is representative of how deeply ingrained it is within us to adopt the attitude that everything will turn out just fine. But, I can’t help but wonder, why? Is it so that we come off strong and well-adjusted (whatever that even means) to other people? Is it to minimize conflict? Is it because society values outward happiness above all else? To these questions, I don’t have a concrete answer. However, I do know that toxic positivity is a habit that isn’t easily shaken.
By pushing our emotions to the side and replacing them with fabricated positivity, we are only teaching ourselves to disregard our pain and to allow it to pile up. Think of it as the laundry pile in your room that you never attend to, or the overloaded email inbox that you’ll do anything to avoid sorting through. If we don’t come to terms with it, how do we expect things to change?
Inevitably, this neglect of our thoughts comes back to harm us further in the end. “Some research suggests that people who avoid their own negative emotions just feel worse later on,” Kirkland says.
This is why it is so imperative that we learn to affirm our own and each other’s anxiety and suffering, regardless of the scale and intensity. Instead of abiding by the “everything will be fine” line of thought, we should teach ourselves to sit with our emotions. Though it is uncomfortable and akin to putting salt in a wound at times, it is ultimately more beneficial for our health in the long run.
While it is important to rewire our own internal dialogue about positivity, it is also essential to rethink our responses to others when it comes to expressions of negativity. For example, if your friend is frustrated about not getting into their top choice for graduate school, don’t reply with “it could be worse” or “everything happens for a reason.” Rather, offer them your support. Affirm what they are experiencing in that moment instead of inserting false positivity into the situation. In any similar scenario, this will make the person feel that their emotions are recognized and will encourage them to engage in healthy behaviors.
So, the next time that you are stressed about that exam or are upset for any reason at all, don’t swallow your feelings down. Recognize that you are allowed to feel sad, angry, or uncomfortable and that it is only natural to do so. Engage in productive self-talk to get to the root of your problems: What is making me feel this way? What can I do to change it? If you can change the situation, set measurable goals and incremental steps. If you can’t, know that your feelings are justified. Have empathy and be gentle with yourself. This is much easier said than done, but it is a practice that we could all use in our regular, day-to-day lives.
At the end of the day, negativity is normal. In order to get through all of the things that life throws at us, it is important to know that not everything needs to be peachy-keen. You are allowed to feel. To feel is to be human.
Sources Referenced:
Pricing, McKenna. “What You Need to Know About Toxic Positivity.” Right as Rain by UW Medicine, University of Washington, 8 Sept. 2021, https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/toxic-positivity#:~:text=Toxic%20positivity%20involves%20dismissing%20negative,and%20a%20feeling%20of%20disconnection.