There’s always that topic people talk about during idle conversations. If I wasn’t doing this, then I would do that. If I wasn’t going to this event, I would go there. If I wasn’t doing this job, then I would do that one. Mostly it’s a joke, like how I say if it wasn’t totally illegal, then I would definitely try and join the mafia. But in all honesty, when most people are asked if they had a dream job, they would say something they wish they could do, but because of financial reasons they can’t. I’ve always been interested in true crime. If you’ve ever spoken to me in person, or read my previous articles, you would understand that it’s a passion of mine. Talking about legal procedures and the psychology behind the criminal brain is something that makes me happy. No one was surprised when I said I was going to college to pursue a major in criminal psychology, or that I wanted to go to law school. My parents always told me to find a job that I loved and it wouldn’t feel like a job, and I fully intend to follow this path I carved for myself. However there’s always that second interest that lurks in the back of my mind.
The first time I picked up a book without being told so by either my teachers or my mom was when I was in fifth grade. Of course before I was wrapped up in Junie B Jones and the Dear America books, but nothing really stood out to me like the Percy Jackson series. It didn’t take me long to finish all five of the books and afterwards I was distraught. I mean, I just finished this series that took over my world and now it was just over. That’s when I got some advice from my teacher that changed me. If I was so upset because my book was over, why not just write the next chapter? From that point on, I would take any piece of paper I had and write down stories that I thought the characters would go on, adventures they would pursue, plans that lived in my head that I wanted to see with my own two eyes. Over the years, I did the same thing with other books and shows that I loved, often getting in trouble in school because I spent more time in my own world than I did in my math classes. People would read my stories and say I was gifted, one teacher even saying that if I ever authored my own series to send her a signed copy.
There’s no denying that I love writing, but there are roadblocks in my life. School became more demanding, especially once I reached my senior year of high school and applied to college. I also have the trouble of coming up with ideas and never having the time or resources to finish them. My main issue was that writing was my second passion, true crime to this day stays my number one. There isn’t a shred of doubt in my mind that I want to be a lawyer, I want to argue in court, I want to change the system, and I definitely want the heels and pantsuits. However there’s always that lingering feeling, every time I walk into a used book store or when I buy yet another journal to sit on my shelf. There’s always that sudden prompt that comes during my lectures, or while I am trying to finish a paper. The thing about second place dreams is that you know you can’t fully focus on them because you’re working on your first place. There are obstacles that you can’t work around because you simply don’t have the same drive, the same passion. The struggles of a second place dream are always the “what ifs.” What if I wasn’t so into true crime, what if I didn’t like the pantsuits, what if, what if. I think that’s why I decided to join HerCampus, not for the views, but just to scratch that itch. The itch that keeps me up at night, that makes me daydream in class, that makes me buy a new journal every time even though I have over a dozen unwritten ones back home. The “what ifs” of second place dreams are those that are not hard to address, but they are the awkward ones. The ones that will always linger in the back of your mind.