let’s talk about it.
Coming out. Those two words used to scare me more than anything else in the world-and sometimes they still do. Coming out is something that the LGBTQ+ community is obviously familiar with, but it’s more than simply telling someone “I’m (insert title here),” it’s coming to terms with a major part of who we are. Although coming out can be one of the most liberating social and emotional experiences in a person’s life, it can also cause a level of stress and anxiety that is unimaginable to the CisHet (Cisgender and Heterosexual) community.
To begin, there are a few things I feel I desperately need to address before I dive head first into this article. Firstly, coming out is NOT the only important experience in a queer person’s life. Although it is a big part of the journey to self-love and self-acceptance, as well as the journey to fully existing as one’s true self, there are other milestones that we experience just like straight, cisgender people do. Coming out is just one step that many people take to understand themselves better and to allow themselves to be more open and authentic with their loved ones and with the world. Secondly, not everyone comes out, and that is completely valid. According to Human Dignity Trust (https://www.humandignitytrust.org/lgbt-the-law/map-of-criminalisation/), 72 countries currently criminalize homosexuality/same-sex relationships. This is obviously a reason one would refrain from openly coming out. Even in places of the world where homosexuality isn’t so violently opposed, there are still reasons why people choose not to come out. Anxiety, confusion, and fear only account for a few of these reasons. For whatever reason one chooses not to come out, they are still a valid member of the LGBTQ+ community. Thirdly, coming out isn’t a one time thing, and it can be hard. It’s not always rainbow cakes and loving and accepting reactions, coming out can get ugly and cause irreversible, severe emotional damage and the loss of friends, family, and opportunities that the CisHet community will always be able to experience and enjoy.
It seems that all anyone ever wants to talk about is how hard it is to come out to other people, but coming out to one’s self is the first step, and it is certainly not easy. Take it from me, as someone who has been coming out to myself every day for over 5 years and still has trouble accepting myself as a queer woman, coming out to one’s self is arguably one of the hardest parts of the self-acceptance process. When coming out to one’s self, there are infinite possibilities going through that person’s mind of what could happen next. Internalized homophobia, compulsory heterosexuality, figuring out what label (if any) fits one best, and more are all common struggles among myself and my fellow members of the community.
Another common factor I have noticed is that almost every gay character on tv or film that I have watched is only there for one reason-to be the gay character. Their stories are centered around their coming out, or their coming to terms with their sexuality, and although these are two big steps in the lives of many members of the LGBTQ+ community, they do not define us. When I think about who I am as a person, I think about my writing. I think about my activism. I think about how much I love my dogs, my friends and family, and my music. I think about how I try my best to be as kind to everyone around me as possible. The first thing that comes to mind when I think about almost every LGBTQ+ character I’ve seen on tv or film is the way that the production made coming out or being gay their only purpose on the show or movie. Although it is imperative that we give this type of representation to queer youth and show them that being queer isn’t something to be ashamed of, we need to consider the fact that being queer is not something that defines our entire existence. I am a person before I am a queer woman. I like to write and play original music, watch Barbie movies with my roommate every Sunday night, go to the beach, and I kiss women. It shouldn’t be the only defining characteristic of my presence in this world. Being queer doesn’t make me any less or any more human.
Coming out is different for everyone-some do it the day they realize they are queer, others never do. In the end, we are all people and we all deserve all of the love and acceptance that the world can offer us. A quote that sits heavily on my heart is “love should never mean having to live in fear,” from DaShanne Stokes. These simple words carry more meaning than I thought before, because I lived in fear of myself for so long. I was scared of loving women, and I was scared of how loving women would affect my social, economic, and personal life, as well as my safety in public settings. Coming out is scary, but it is something that many of us choose to do when the time is right for us. I never thought I would write an article about this, and I didn’t know if I would ever send it in or publish it publicly, but since I have, just know that I wrote this so that you all know that you are loved and accepted. Below are some resources for LGBTQ+ youth. Much love <3