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An Open Letter to Girls Who Call Their Boyfriends by Their First and Middle Names

Hi. You can read article titles. You know what this is about.


Women, I love all of you. I am one of you. But some of you confuse me so when you coo over your male partner’s full name.


According to my estimates, there is no male name used in Western society that is beautiful enough to deserve that much attention. If there is, I don’t know it. And it sure can’t be found in Makaylee’s Facebook post when she celebrates her 3-year anniversary with Dustin Lee.


Dustin Lee?


Male middle names are utilitarian at best.

More examples? Sure, I have them. Joseph. Robert. John. Just John. Short for nothing. The most-used male name of all time. Imagine surrounding the name John with ORNATE HEART AND STAR EMOJIS THAT AREN’T IN YOUR RECENTS. It’s impossible. You can’t do it.

And you know, women’s middle names can be so beautiful.


Marie? That’s palatable and French, like a room-temperature baguette.


Elizabeth? Regal as hell and a lot of syllables.


Ann? Lynn? Rose? Perfectly short and sweet place-fillers.


But Christopher Patrick? No, his name is Chris and he wears a basketball jersey to his finance job. I don’t think so, honey.

And TWO middle names? That’s just trying to drive the value up by shoving two mediocre things together. That’s the quesarito of names.


Brian Scott Thomas doesn’t need Scott AND Thomas! Pick one! Or combine them and pick Scotthommas, I don’t care! Just don’t subject me to listening to your boyfriend’s name for any longer than I have to.

Not to mention, this whole thing has big mom energy. That’s right, you sound like your boyfriend’s mom, and I bet he loves it.


And maybe someday you’ll have his kid, and he’ll be Mark Anthony Nathan Isaiah Nehemiah Hosea Joel Jr, and his parents will have met on Bumble.


And you know what? I hope my son Conrad Tiberius Kirk Wilbur-Chalamet beats your son out for first chair violin in seventh grade orchestra.

Kait Wilbur is an aggressively optimistic individual obsessed with sitcoms, indie music, and pop culture in general. She hails from Manito, a rural wasteland in Illinois so small and devoid of life that she took up writing to amuse herself. Kait goes to Butler University to prepare for a career in advertising, but all she really wants to do is talk about TV for a living. You can find her at any given moment with her earbuds in pretending to do homework but actually looking at surrealist memes.
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