Goodness, I love Christmas movies. Of course I have to watch a certain few every year– Elf, Love Actually, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, the commercial where the M&Ms find Santa and scream “He does exist!” and Santa screams “They do exist!” and faints.
So this year, because I’m feeling generous, you guys are getting some of my Christmas movie pitches that I spend hours crafting diligently so the executives at Netflix will finally pay attention to me. They make like 700 originals a year, so at least one can be mine, right?
God Rest Ye Merry Jennifer
Jennifer (Vanessa Hudgens, of course) is the self-employed owner of a ceramic nativity scene shop on Etsy. Naturally, the Christmas season is her busiest season, but when she meets a mysterious bearded man in a coffee shop, she’s smitten. Not only that, but he’s stolen her reference book of nativity figures. And her wallet. Now Jennifer must go on a mad dash through Brooklyn to retrieve her reference book, send that thief to prison, and maybe– just maybe– get a kiss under the mistletoe.
We’ve heard plenty about Rudolph’s whole deal, but what about the woman-deer who birthed him? This prequel follows Vixen, a teenage doe at Dash Away High with dreams of being one of Santa’s top runners. You thought Rudolph had it hard with his red nose? Try being a female deer competing against all the male deer. AND living with a genetic defect and knowing that any child you conceive will be born with electrical wiring in its face.
The Jingle Belt
This heartwarming film follows the parallel lives of three families in the most Christmassy towns in the United States– Santa Claus, Indiana, and two towns in Nebraska that are never named or acknowledged. Mary Steenburgen is in it.
(This is Mary Steenburgen. She’s in every movie with a traditional-but-understanding mom. She’s also married to Ted Danson.)
Snow My Effing Gosh
Amy works at an online feminist magazine that has made her go to work on Christmas Eve, because she’s a #GirlBoss and #theHustleIsReal. At around 3 pm, when she’s supposed to leave the offices of SlutIsACompliment.com, good old Mother Nature has decided to snow the door shut. Now, Amy must gather up all of her co-workers to write a tweet that gets more retweets than Mother Nature’s most popular tweet, which just reads “lol bye.”
Glimmerbits, a 32-year-old workaholic elf drowning her sorrows and singleness by picking up extra hours in Santa’s toy shop, is about to hop on a plane to Paris for an international Small Creatures in Business conference when suddenly she’s rushed to the hospital. While she’s there, she finds out that her biological elf clock is ticking, and she only has 40 years left to have a baby. (Elves famously age incredibly slow. It’s like how Baby Yoda is 50.) Now, Glimmerbits must take the season to herself and look for love with elves, dwarves, and human men under 5’10. Spoiler alert: the guy she ends up with is the son of Hermie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Only now he’s hot! He’s still claymation though.
A Chicken Nugget Christmas
This special for the kids follows a rascally gang of 8 sentient chicken nuggets– Alpha, Clucky, Rosco, Bosco, Daveed, Marty G, Lil Bite, and The Girl One– as they prepare for the holiday season, decorating the oven and getting into all sorts of hijinks as they prepare for December 25. The surprise ending? Instead of cookies, the owners of the kitchen put out chicken nuggets for Santa Claus. You’ll think you won’t get invested in a kids’ movie about chicken nuggets, but this scene will make you cry.
Good Queen Wenceslas
I don’t even have a plot for this one, I’m just picturing the poster being Regina Hall standing in a red blazer and skirt, with one cheetah-print pump crushing a nativity scene. You’d watch it just for that, wouldn’t you? I would.
The Abominable Snowman Gets Queer Eye’d
The Fab Five are already in every other Netflix show, right? They may as well do this. Bobby puts some color in his cave. Karamo teaches him how to snowboard. Jonathan shaves him. You can picture it. You get it.