I think I like the chase. It seems like everytime I get a crush the second they like me back I no longer like them. This is mad inconvenient because it essentially means I’ll never be able to get into a relationship.
Let me make myself clear: I do not want to do this nor do I take pleasure in doing it. I do not set out to woo people only to later let them know I am no longer interested. What usually happens is I get a crush, I convince myself that this time will be different and that there is no way I would possibly stop liking this “perfect person”, I court them to the best of my ability, I find out they like me, and my crush on them suddenly disappears. Now I am stuck in this huge mess of my own making where there is somebody that I have 100% “led on” ready and willing to return the feelings I no longer have. This always leaves me feeling absolutely terrible until my eyes land on a new “perfect person”.
I have been going through this cycle since I can remember. All of my past relationships were not that romantic for me. I usually dated them out of a twisted sense of duty and general sexual attraction. I figured they were cute enough, and a decent companion, so I might as well go out with them. However, there wasn’t any butterflies, or anticipation to see them, and when things ended I was never sad; in fact, I was always kind of relieved.
Why? Why do I do this when it obviously brings pain to all of the parties involved? After years of thought I have it boiled down to two possible explanations: my crush’s change in attitude or fear of commitment.
People act differently when they start liking you. They are a little more open, a little more kind, maybe a little more positive, whatever it is,they change. You don’t treat someone you just met, and someone you want to date the same way. I have a theory that I might be developing infatuations with the way people present themselves when they don’t like me. Therefore, when they start to like me, hence changing the way they approach me, my attraction wanes.
Another theory I have is that I am afraid of commitment. I am not going to lie to y’all I don’t love the responsibility that comes with relationships. I take all commitments very seriously. If I say I am going to be there for you, and I am going to start fulfilling roles in your life, then I mean it. Oftentimes, I don’t really have the time nor desire to actually start fulfilling the “girlfriend role” 24/7 so my ‘ love for the chase’ may just be my own way of dodging any impending commitment. Furthermore, I have a tiny fear of abandonment, and there is nothing scarier to me than me committing to someone and giving them all that I have, only for them to leave.
Whatever reason I have for loving the chase. I want to make it clear that I do not actually “love” the chase. It just happens. I try to stop it, and be optimistic that it is something that I will grow out of, but so far it’s not looking too good for me. For now, I am just going to lay low and not pursue anybody for a while, no matter how perfect and different they seem at the time.