During the summer, I was coming home from a graduation party. I wasn’t particularly having a good day. Yes, my dog made me smile. Yes, i had a good time with my friends. No, there wasn’t anything going on that day that was making it a bad day. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t having one.
I was able to ignore most the anxiety and emptiness that was bubbling up inside me until I was driving home from the grad party. In that moment, I did not want to be in the car. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to run away. So I did what I always do when that happens, and gave myself a little leeway.
I drove past the exit I usually got off when going home.
I drove for about ten more minutes before I pulled up in a parking space at a local park. I stuffed my keys into my pocket and walked. It looked like it was about to rain. Following a trail that mostly ran besides the lake, I kept on walking until I got to a field.
During this time, I let my thoughts run free. Each worry, self-doubt, loathing thought lept to the surface and, as I stood in that field, I did my best to let them go. I’m not saying my mood instantly got better and I was full of energy, but it did help. The trees and the tall grass and quiet and the fresher air and the open sky and even the rain clouds helped. It was the first time I felt alone in weeks and it was amazing.
I wished I could stay longer but, like I said, it looked like it was going to rain. So I headed back. And of course I was soaking wet by the time I got back to my car. It was the best.
It’s very common for me for my anxiety to act up and to make me feel trapped. Whenever it happened when I was home, I would take my dog for a long walk. It helped me, my dog was excited to go for a walk, and my parents didn’t question it. When it happened at school, I just took a long way home that usual with my windows down. It let me feel free for a minute.
I think that that has been the hardest thing to adjust to in my move to college life. I can’t just take my dog for a walk and I don’t have a car to just drive and I can’t stay in my room because then I start to feel claustrophobic but wherever I go, I’m never fucking alone. Even at ten o’clock at night. There’s people everywhere.
It’s been driving me nuts for the last month.
So with no classes the last couple days and everyone away for fall break, I’ve been taking advantage of it. Today, I decided to go for a hike.
It was beautiful. I felt like a kid again, running through the trees up a hill, exploring the river bank, admiring the fungus growing on fallen tree trunks. And let me tell you, it is absolutely surreal to be standing on a tree trunk over running water and then hear church bells. That minute was absolute heaven.