By Eliza Shaw
The question that runs through your head day and night… Do I swipe right or left?
You tell yourself, “well he’s not super cute… butttt, why not” and then before you know it, BAM, you match. So you start with a simple convo, maybe throw in a couple winky faces for the hell of it. Then before you know it, you’ve planned a date for this weekend. It’s all good until on Friday morning you wake up and remember that you’re scared of commitment, strangers and leaving the comfort of your loving and warm bed. This date just CANNOT happen.
Well, ladies (and gents if you’re interested) here are 5 easy lines you can use to cancel your plans with that guy without hurting any feelings.
1. “I just got out of a really messy relationship and I just can’t commit right now.”
Okay, so let’s start with the basics here. Frankly, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been engaged before or have never been in a relationship… this one always works. No guy is going to doubt you and pressure you into going out with him if you say this… and if he does, you have full permission to ghost him without guilt. Like, for example, I may or may not have never had an actual boyfriend… but Tim from Bumble doesn’t have to know that.
2. “I’m lactose intolerant and I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry’s™ last night.”
Being lactose intolerant is truly a curse. Any guy that gives you shit (no pun intended) about eating ice cream despite the consequences really does not deserve happiness. We’ve all been there… it’s 2 am… Warren Late Nite is just down the hall… and there’s a whole freezer full of Ben and Jerry’s. You tell yourself that you’ll get the pint of watermelon instead, but the melon isn’t even red and it’s so expensive. Why buy fruit when ice cream is in the freezer next door? I mean, you don’t have to eat it all (you will, but you tell yourself you won’t). Anyway… just tell Greg from Hinge that you’ll be spending your night on the toilet and not only will you get out of this date… he probably won’t bother asking you out again.
3. “I just added two more classes to my schedule and it just so happens one of them is on (Insert scheduled date time).”
You go to BU… congratulations, and welcome to stress. Those Northeastern and Harvard boys won’t get all the work we have here… all they do is slack off over there. All you have to do is tell them that you have a class at the scheduled time. So what if it’s on a Saturday night… BU students are just that committed to gaining a greater education.
4. “My fish died.”
Listen, we’ve all been there. You go to the pet store/carnival and pick out your own unique orange goldfish. You say “wow, he looks like Nemo,” and decide to name him Gilly. BAM, you and Gilly are immediate besties. You do everything together… watch TV, eat, sleep… he’s everything to you. Two weeks pass by and all the sudden, Gilly isn’t there when you get home. Your mom says he went to a happy farm and he’s in a better place, but you’re 20 now and you know what that means… He’s DEAD. Now I wouldn’t suggest writing that long paragraph to your Tinder date… a simple “hey, my fish died and I’m mourning,” should do. This is a time for you to remember Gilly as the only man you ever needed in your life (even if he was just your imaginary fish).
5. “I got summoned for jury duty.”
We’re all just trying to be good American citizens who do their part by going to jury duty. If any man gives you a hard time, just tell them you’re doing what’s best for your country… they’ll buy it. All you gotta say is that you were summoned for a long day in court and won’t be able to make it. Sure… it may be a Friday night… but crime never sleeps.
Alright, so there’s one thing I really want y’all to take away from this article. If you do not feel like going out with a guy… DO NOT GO. You are a strong and beautiful woman and no guy should make you do anything you don’t want to. The lines above are tested by yours truly and over 40% of them have gotten replies, so you know they’re good. Good luck out there ladies!
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