If the US Presidential Candidates were College Kids

The Republicans

John Kasich

Boy-next-door that no one notices. He lives down the hall from you, and is really nice but you can’t seem to remember his name. You go all year ignoring him, when suddenly you’re both hanging out at a party and you realize he’s actually really cool to be around. Hopefully when you sober up the next morning you don’t forget about him again.

Donald Trump

The president of everyone’s least favorite fraternity. He’s that guy. His dad is rich, so he can afford to buy all his friends. His house throws really great parties, but that doesn’t make up for his rotten personality. Frequently seen getting drunk off overpriced alcohol and yelling racial slurs, or picking on the international students. Also is captain of the golf team.

Ben Carson

Member of both the College Republicans and College Democrats clubs. Is on Model UN, and wins his debates by confusing his opponents and changing the subject halfway through a speech. He’s a double major in accounting and history, and can’t decide which career path he wants to follow. He bounces from one lifestyle to the next, so you’re never really sure where he stands.

Marco Rubio

The pretty boy jock. He seems nice enough, but has a tendency of getting into 67% of his statements fights with guys in the rival fraternity on the weekends (think: Trump). He’s always antagonizing the guy you hate, so you can’t help but like him a little. He can be really sassy at times, and has learned to call out the people he doesn’t like- like saying Trump has the worst spray tan in America.

Ted Cruz

The guy that always gives the wrong answer in class. He volunteers to answer all of the questions, and will even challenge the professors when they tell him he’s wrong. You would think he would learn to give up already, but it seems he’s determined to get something right. Sometimes he’s so wrong you wonder if he’s just making things up- like saying Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race when he hadn’t. Other times you know he just didn’t do his research- like when he falsely said Obama was allowing Syrian refugees into the country without background checks. Silly Ted. No wonder fact checker “PolitiFact” says 67% of his statements are mostly or completely false.   

The Democrats

Hillary Clinton

The president of student senate. She’s a go-getter, and is on the E-Board for basically every single club on campus. She got her name out there freshman year, and has steadily been gaining more power ever since. Everyone on campus knows her name, she always gets the best internships, and she’s every professor’s favorite student. Her boyfriend was president of student senate before he graduated, making them the ultimate power couple. 

Bernie Sanders

The social justice warrior. He runs a Tumblr famous blog about racism as a social construct. He also coordinates all kinds of protests on campus. Can be seen sitting in obscure, hipster coffee shops blogging about all the ways he plans on changing the world someday. Has been arrested by campus police for chaining himself to a building in objection to some new policy.


Jeb Bush

The legacy. He only decided to go to this school because his dad and brother went there. All of the professors know him, and there’s a building on campus named after his family. Even though he’s practically famous, all you actually know about him is that he has a big brother who caused a lot of trouble while in school.