Spotted: The Handlebar, the Pencil, the Stalin, the Dali, and on a couple of bold risk takers, the Fu Manchu. I always thought Movember (Mustache November) was an excuse for guys to flaunt their manhood. I was right. The campaign was originally established to raise awareness for men’s health, specifically prostate cancer. Come November, men all around the world arm themselves with personal trimmers and combs for a month of strategic facial hair growth. But over the years, the message has gotten lost through the hairs, and the emphasis has grown heavy on the actual mustache. In the Ratty the other day, I heard two guys in deep deliberation about whether or not to pursue a Ron Burgundy or an Adolf Hitler — you know you’ve made it big if they name a mustache after you.
But for some, Movember is not celebrated with equal enthusiasm. When I asked an unnamed, clean-shaven sophomore why he was not participating in this event, I was given a Gillette sharp glare that clearly meant, “I am.” Or at least, “I’m trying.” In order to help out those who are struggling to live up to their dream Dali-stache, here is a list of tips to achieving that facial masterpiece:
1. Stock up on vitamins, particularly vitamin A and B12.
2. Eat beef. Beef, in large quanities, has testosterone, a key hormone for mustache success.
3. Massage. Stimulating the follicles of the desired hair growth area can help your mustache grow in faster. Alternating clockwise and counterclockwise, two finger massages have seem to elicit the finest outcomes.
4. Pick wisely. Decide in your mind the mustache of your dreams, one that is suitable for your face and grown capabilities. Once selected, visualize, visualize, visualize.
5. Be confident. The awkwardness of mustache growing is very similar to when a girl with a pixie cut decides to grow out her locks. The middle stages are awkward, but wear it proudly. Remember, the “Hulk Hogan” wasn’t grown in a day.
But in the end, it isn’t about the length of the mustache, or the size of the curl. Last year the Movember raised $7.5 million, thanks to a campaign supported by enthusiastic mustache and non-mustache growers alike. So support the cause and get Mo involved. Be a Mo Bro.