The topic of toxic friendships is gaining more and more publicity; however, it is not a new phenomenon. Whilst toxic animals, like poison dart frogs, often glow in bright colours to warn you of their toxicity, toxic friends can not always be so easily identified. They have always been lurking around, though. All you have to do is watch old movies to see many examples of toxic friends: from the more obvious ‘the Heathers’ in Heathers (1989) to the less obvious Lily Moscovitz in The Princess Diaries (2001), in which she is incredibly negative towards her best friend, Mia, throughout her revenge, princess era. Where was the support for her best friend that a healthy friendship should provide? This article will outline the different red flags (or brightly-coloured, toxic frogs) you should be wary of in friendships to avoid unnecessary and cruel heartbreak.
One important thing to remember, whilst discussing toxic friends or friendships, is that the person you perceive as toxic may not always see themselves that way, and they may not necessarily be a bad person. Sometimes people shouldn’t be friends, in the same way you do not simply fall in love with someone just because they are a good person. Often, there is a clash of personalities or someone in the friendship must work on themselves first. This does not make you, or them, a bad person. However, if you do find a supposed friend is being cruel and mean, it does not mean you have to disregard how you feel if they’ve been a good friend to you beforehand. Your feelings are valid, and your love is sacred, so do not be afraid to protect yourself.
An early sign of a toxic friendship is “friendship bombing”. This unofficial but widely popular term describes when a new friendship quickly feels the pressure, expectation, and love of a more established friendship. The term “best friend” may be thrown around; they may buy you gifts and want to talk all the time. They may interrogate you about your emotions and get upset when you don’t tell them personal things, like if you’re having a bad time mentally or if something stressful has occurred in your life. They will make you dependent on them — until it stops one day, and, suddenly, you’re the clingy one. Everything you have learnt to do because it has been expected of you is met with unexpected coldness. They no longer want to talk to you about anything more meaningful than the day’s events and if you attempt to share more, you are rejected.
Of course, this can happen in any friendship. People may not intentionally be friend-bombing, but potential toxicity really comes into play when this is not communicated to you and, when you ask about the tonal shift in your friendship, they gaslight you and say nothing is wrong. The best way to prevent this is to be conscientious of what you want in the relationship and not to allow yourself to be forced into such a weighted friendship, so quickly, if it does not feel natural to you. This is easier said than done, though, especially when feeling lonely and vulnerable. However, remember that good things come to those who wait – often, it is better to play the long game than to rush into something with weak foundations.
Another sign of a toxic friendship is that your friend in question might begin to alter narratives. This can start as something small, such as which day you hung out or what time. Most of the time, this means nothing. However, sometimes this morphs into bigger lies and suddenly your friend is telling people things about you that never happened. It may seem easier to let them and not question them. I mean, who cares? But these lies do add up, and you may find yourself feeling paranoid and uneasy. Toxic friendships often revolve around the person making it more difficult for you to make other friends who are able to identify and call out the unhealthy relationship between the two of you. By manipulating and forcing different narratives, your friend may be making it harder for you to make friends or for you to open up about the treatment they are subjecting you to.
Another feature of a toxic friendship is when your friend privately and/or publicly shames you for your likes and dislikes. If something is bringing you joy and not hurting anyone else, you should never feel ashamed of liking it, and no one should try to make you feel ashamed of liking it, either. Of course, most friendships involve a bit of teasing, which is natural and healthy; however, if you find yourself too afraid to share your likes and interests, that is a sign that something definitely isn’t right. Friendships work because the friends like each other for who they are. You should not have to hide elements of yourself to be liked by somebody. You are worthy of being liked – cringe interests and all!
Furthermore, whilst a toxic friend may shame your interests, they may be forcing you, at the same time, to instead share their likes and dislikes. Everyone is different, and that is what makes a friendship so great. You both bring different things to the table, allowing for more interesting and fun conversations. If your friend is shaming you into liking the same things as they do, they’re not looking for a friend; they’re looking for a follower, which is not healthy for either of you.
Toxic friendships can be difficult to navigate because, when all is said and done, it’s still a friendship even if it’s not particularly healthy. There is love there, so it may be hard to communicate how you’re feeling and implement steps to protect yourself. However, you are worthy of love and you do not need to settle for anything less than a healthy, balanced friendship. You can love someone and still leave — that does not make you a bad person. Your feelings and mental health should always be your top priority. On that note, if you find yourself leaving a toxic friendship and needing to find new friends, there are loads of ways to do this: join a society, go to an event, or join a club. You could even join friendship-finding apps such as Bumble Friends. You will find people eventually, even if it feels like you won’t, and it will be worth the wait. In the meantime, keep an eye out for these red flags and don’t go befriending neon-coloured frogs.