The very nature of human existence, in tune with the entirety of the natural world, is driven by change, cycles and circulation. Much like so many variables in our life, our emotions and outlook on life are consistently subject to change; ever moving backwards and forwards to the rhythm of life. We have periods of life which are underpinned with an unshakeable sense of content, followed by periods of more despondency, both of which are crucial to prevent stagnation and move us forward in the evolution of our consciousness.
If we experience such fluctuation as individuals, why should we put so much pressure on our relationships to be unshakably steady, and become anxious during periods of repose?
Most of us are familiar with the concept of the ‘honeymoon phase’; that period of swelling passion, intimacy and excitement that is common in the early stages of a new relationship. It is easy to idolise this period, for the feelings of adoration and desire can make us euphoric, but we should not fear, nor even overlook, the grounding that comes with the quieter periods of a relationship.
Instinctively, we tie the most energetic, physical and passionate phases of our relationship to greater feelings of ‘love’, but the quiet, unassuming type of love that accompanies quiet nights in, sitting near each other but doing separate things, is not a sign that your affection is faltering, but rather just that you are likely in a periodic episode of placidity. You may find that you’re spending less time together, or instigating fewer plans, or even simply that you’re not as excitable, borderline bored, around each other.
Whilst this can be scary, it is important to remind yourself that this is totally normal. Multiple factors of our lifestyles, including hormones, work/ study schedule, to even the time of year, can prompt periods of introversion, and it comes as a natural consequence that celebrating our partners may not remain a top priority during these times.
To navigate this, and notice how I’m opting for ‘navigate’ and not ‘fix’, because there is nothing wrong or ‘broken’ about a relationship that experiences this rise and fall dynamic, communication is key. Little and often affirmations that you both still care for each other can help to curb any anxieties that you are drifting, but if you do begin to feel lonely and crave more intimacy, speak about how you can go about bridging any distance with your partner.
Try not to blame, or speak with resentment, but rather express how much your closeness means to you and how you can go about making more time for each other, and, crucially, tell your partner what would help you feel more at ease. It is unrealistic to assume that your relationship will be ‘picture perfect’ and that you will both always be in a synchronised forward-moving wave, but you if you can learn to be okay with recessions of passion, you can achieve a sense of harmony even in moments of solitude. Indeed, whilst you may not always have agency over the ‘ebbs’ of your relationship, you can take time to contemplate where you have control, and address these concerns, talking through any unease you may be feeling and work out a solution for you both.
It is also important to clarify that there may be periods where you are not totally romantically infatuated with your partner, and this is also perfectly okay. Maintaining a relationship that is consistently underpinned with a burning romantic, sexual desire is unrealistic. Not only this, but your partner is your friend as well as your lover, which means that there may be periods of your relationship which feel more platonic.
Creating time for intimacy can be important, but it does not define the extent of your affections, and love is translated in countless ways beyond the physical. Couples who have been together for a while may find that, over time, they begin to have sex less often, and it can be hard not to overthink this sometimes, but, like with the general relaxation of intensity that comes with a long term relationship, a gradual decline in libido, or periods of a lower sex drive, are a natural result of becoming more comfortable with each other.
Try to place as much value on the non-sexual aspects of your lives together; cooking, watching a film, even running errands together, and, if you are feeling unfulfilled in your sex life, speak to your partner about your desires, and whether you can, for instance, make more time for intimacy. Attraction in all its forms is also fairly fluid, and so it is not uncommon to experience phases of intense desire and, conversely, times when you are less interested in sex. The most important thing to consider is yourself and your partner’s feelings. Everybody likes to feel desired & attractive, and so, if you or your other half are feeling insecure about a lack of intimacy, talk to each other, and find ways to confirm your attraction to each other. Again, this need not even be physical but even explicitly communicating to your partner that you find them desirable can help them handle any ebbs within your sex life.
Ultimately, when you choose someone to share your life with, they are there for exactly this. To share life, for all its ups and downs. Not to permanently shower you with affection. Affirmation, first and foremost, most come from yourself, for this is not only crucial for preventing angst within the ‘ebbs’, but also allows for the purest and uninhibited enjoyment during your ‘flows’. Nonetheless, many periods of what we might think of as distance can feel much calmer when we talk to each other and establish that the love is still there.
Whilst it is near impossible to coordinate so that your relationship is consistently progressing, or even remaining at a continuously stable level, you can coordinate how you approach each other’s apprehensions and put systems in place to make each other feel secure. When you are in the midst of your flows, and feeling euphoric, perhaps make a mental note of what got you there, and make plans to incorporate more of this into your lives… but don’t stress it. Love has never been formulaic, and this necessarily means that it can be disorderly, but, as long as you feel good in your flows and secure in your ebbs, you’re exactly where you need to be.