There’s a common misconception in society, perpetuated by the Tommy and Molly-Mae’s of social media (as much as I love them), that relationships should be perfect. We’re constantly seeing the best parts of the relationships of all these beautiful influencers which make it seem like even the smallest of mistakes and clashes are a cause for concern. The endless stream of Youtube videos, Tiktoks and Instagram posts create the idea that you and your partner must always agree and if you don’t, that person isn’t for you.
Whilst it is certainly true that some behaviour has no place in a relationship (i’m talking name calling, personal digs, disloyalty…), it’s inevitable that even the healthiest of couples will face arguments along the way. Humans are imperfect. We don’t always get it right. But, if we know how to take accountability for our actions and apologise when we make mistakes, then our relationships stand a much better chance at surviving the test of time.
That being said, it isn’t always easy to swallow your pride and apologise (especially when you aren’t sure what you’ve done wrong). For me, I find it difficult to apologise to my partner more often than not. Perhaps because of the shame and vulnerability that comes with making a mistake or the fear that taking accountability will change his view of me but in reality, invalidating his feelings by avoiding direct apologies is much more likely to upset him further. Fortunately, my boyfriend is a good communicator and throughout our time together he has been teaching me to put my stubbornness aside for the happiness of our relationship and have honest conversations after disagreements. So, I thought I would compile a list of tips for apologising that I have accumulated to try and help my fellow headstrong people out there.
1) Make sure you and your partner are on the same page
Everyone is different. Some people are always going to react differently to to disputes than others so it is important that you and your partner have had a discussion on how you process your emotions after a fall out (even before one happens). Don’t be afraid to tell them that you might need a little time to cool off and organize your thoughts before you have a conversation about what went down, it’s important to take a few minutes to yourself so you can communicate in a healthy and mature way. Alternatively, if you find that sitting in your thoughts after an argument can make you feel more anxious and upset, let your partner know that you prefer to resolve issues quickly and come to an agreement about how long is acceptable to wait before a discussion. The main thing is, just keep your partner in the loop about your needs so that when the time comes, there’s one less thing in your way to a happy resolution.
2) ACtively listen
After a fall out, it is important to actively listen to why they are upset. You need to give them your full attention and try not to cut in with explanations half way through a sentence (no matter how hard it may be to keep them in). By waiting until your partner is done before you respond, you’re ensuring that you understand exactly what went wrong and what it is exactly that you are apologising for. If you jump the gun and start talking over them with corrections and justifications, they won’t feel like they are being listened to and the tensions will be raised.
3) “i’m sorry for…”
There’s nothing worse than a half-hearted apology and most of the time just saying “oh, sorry” won’t cut it. You should acknowledge what went wrong and take responsibility for the part you played in the argument with genuine remorse. You might be tempted to start your apology with “i’m sorry if…” or “i’m sorry you think that” but this will only make your partner feel like their feelings aren’t being taken seriously. Instead, maybe start by saying “I’m sorry for upsetting you when I…” which shows that you understand why you are apologising and explicitly states the problem without suggesting that their reaction wasn’t justified. Remember, you are apologising because your partner is upset at the impact of your actions so don’t pass blame or judgement (even if you think they misunderstood you or your intentions).
4) make a plan with yourself
An apology means very little without changed behaviour. If you’re having to say sorry for leaving your dirty clothes on the floor three times a week then trust me, your words will mean sweet FA. So, after something goes wrong, try to make a little plan with yourself to make sure it doesn’t happen again and communicate it with your partner so they know that you heard them and you’re actively trying to prevent it from happening twice.
Basically, just be empathetic towards your partner’s reaction to your actions, put your pride aside and remember that just because you’re in a fight doesn’t mean that you stop talking to them with love, kindness and respect.