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Her Campus / Addie Abujade
Sex + Relationships

Your Sister From Another Mister

In my column, I aim to answer any questions regarding all things sex/relationships etc. My answers will be based on my own experience and others to provide advice, reassurance and hopefully break some stigmas.

Do you think long-distance relationships can work?

I have never been in what one would call a “long-distance relationship”. However, I reckon that I would be able to make it work, judging from past relationships. It is subjective on what type of person you are; if physical touch is your said ‘love language’, then long-distance would be a struggle. Nevertheless, there can be a lot of benefits if you’re comfortable with being in one. You have the opportunity to develop your relationships with other people and spend time evolving your interests/work. In addition to this, you will naturally value the time you spend together more than you would if you were together constantly. If you and your significant other are committed to making it work and keeping the love fresh, it should be fine. Problems could start to occur if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, or it feels like you’ve both lost sight of why you’re in a relationship in the first place. It could very well be the right person wrong time, but it is always best to put yourself first when difficulties arise.

Do you think you should have your partner’s social media passwords?

Personally, in past relationships, I haven’t had my partners passwords to any of their socials. I think that it is a violation of their privacy and is unnecessary. If my partner gave me a reason to question my trust in them, I would leave them or work on it with them until I felt I could trust them again. In the past, due to insecurities within myself, I have taken to checking on my partner’s socials way more than I should have been. Since then, I have learnt that this is a seriously unhealthy thing to do and did not help me at all. It only made me worry more and create false scenarios in my head that I would become fixated with. I was around 17, in fairness, and I had to get through that stage of my life to grow from it. I’m glad that I don’t do things like that anymore as it disturbs my peace. The universe will always bring my attention to things I need to know in one way or another.

Do you think one must love themselves before they can love another?

As someone who is continually battling between loving myself and hating myself, I think this question is quite hard to answer. On the one hand, I believe that part of me will never be able to love myself completely. But why should that hold me back from giving my love to someone else? I’ll answer that myself; it creates insecurities and problems. I know many people would happily accept this and love their partner unconditionally. However, for me, it creates an almost ‘I’m a burden’ dynamic. I don’t want to constantly complain about my body image or stressing about my work ethic to my partner, as I feel like it’s me feeding into my insecurities. When I enter a relationship, I want to be in a position where I am a lot happier with myself than I am now. I would never say love yourself completely because that would be too much pressure, but just enough so that I do not look to them for happiness or validation.

What is your experience with achieving an orgasm?

Orgasms can be quite a sensitive topic for women, as it can be a struggle for many. I don’t remember a time where anyone explained the concept of an orgasm to me. Let alone the fact it was possible. About 75% of all women can’t reach orgasm from intercourse alone. I can’t remember the exact age I discovered I could, but I can say it was around 15/16. For me, it isn’t possible only through penetration, and this is extremely common! I know this from discussing with my friends and learning about their experiences. Being able to orgasm does not define you as a woman or make you any less if you cannot. Looking at statistics and learning about other women’s experience online or speaking to your friends can bring you solace. Not being able to doesn’t mean that something is ‘broken’ or ‘not working’. There are many reasons why problems can occur; they can be either physical or psychological. Personally, it has a lot to do with how comfortable I am with that person. You can find more information on this topic via the NHS website HERE.

(Send in your questions to India every other Friday at https://www.instagram.com/user/indcstro

My name is India-Maia, but I just go by India. Currently, I am in my second year at Brighton University studying Media. I come from a diverse background, which has resulted in a rather liberal outlook to life. I aim to show this through my writing at Her Campus in an Agony Aunt style column. I applied to join Her Campus so that I could write alongside writers to help empower women and be apart of something I am very passionate about.
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