Hello love.
How are you doing?
It’s just me.
Maddie.
I have some words for you.
May I have a minute of your time?
Thank you.
You see, I needed to do some healing this past summer.
I had a tough year.
I was battling myself.
I was battling my mind.
I needed to stop.
I needed to breathe.
You may have felt this way.
It may have been yesterday,
Last week,
Last year,
Whenever you may have experienced this feeling.
You wanted to stop.
You may not have experienced this yourself but you know someone who has.
I did not want to take time to stop, though.
There is a difference between recognizing, okay, I need to pause, and actually pressing that pause button.
I do not pause.
I am in constant motion, my words move faster than my mind can catch up. This is my everyday.
And you see, I am okay with this, but it is not okay when used as a coping mechanism.
To cope with what I must address but know I cannot because others moved on.
Because my pain does not mean anything.
Because what I feel, what I experience is not valid.
Wait, but aren’t I the one who preaches, really the opposite, to you?
Aren’t I supposed to be practising what I preach?
Yes, but not all the time.
You see for me to be able to say you are allowed to take this pause, I had to as well.
I had to pause,
Halt the constant motion of my mind, my thoughts.
I do not slow down.
I did not slow down last year.
I ran.
I kept running.
I couldn’t stop because the moment I did,
The memory would come back.
I would not be able to breathe, to think, to exist in the space I was in because my mind was in a past reality.
I was in a past reality for 9 months,
I did not pause.
I was broken.
I did not want to see my broken scattered across the road of my life.
I did not want anyone else to see my broken.
I was living in fear.
I would say I hope you have never felt this.
I would say I hope you never feel broken.
This is unrealistic, for you are as human as I am.
I needed healing.
Maybe you have needed healing.
Did you give yourself some healing recently?
I finally did this summer.
Finally, when I stopped being able to function.
When all I could talk about, think about, exist in was hopelessness.
Loneliness.
My healing started with loneliness.
Isolation.
I stepped out of my life and felt, in a place of nowhere.
I did not know who I was,
Where I was,
I lost sight of Maddie.
I lost sight of my future for I felt I had none.
I lost sight of my beauty for I saw emptiness in the mirror.
I lost sight of my support system for I only worried about if they were okay.
I lost sight of needing to admit….
I was not okay.
I was blinded by a past reality that kept coming into my present reality.
I was not okay.
(PC Credit: Anthony Tran on Unsplash)
And yet,
I did begin to heal.
How about you?
Where are you in your life right now?
Where are you in your healing?
Do you need healing?
Do you need love,
Support,
Guidance?
That is alright.
I hope, if you do that you acknowledge this for yourself.
For it is so valid.
It is so strong to recognize.
You may be in pain right now.
You may be on top of the world right now.
You may be crying into your pillow right now.
You may be mentally broken but hanging on.
You may be hanging on but wanting to stop.
You may want your life to stop.
You may want to give up.
You may want to just stand in the midst of your darkness for this is a final comfort.
Final.
You may want someone to just stop with you and see your pain because no one stops. Not these days.
In the days when you need to have a job, an internship, business, you must be busy.
You must be forwarding yourself.
You cannot stop.
You won’t stop when no one else is.
But darling, I do not want the time you stop to be the time you cannot start again.
Because you made the final, final.
Darling I do not wish this for you.
(PC Credit: Dennis Alvear Perez on Unsplash)
Healing, for me, came in its time.
I began again.
I started living my present truth.
I began healing on the basis that, in this moment, in any moment, I deserve it.
I started healing in my time.
You may need time.
That time may be one moment, one hour, one day, one month, one year….
But why should that matter when healing is what you need.
You deserve to repair, to heal, and if you need validation here it is.
For 9 months I lived in a past reality.
I lived in a past trauma.
Some days I return to it.
I practice what I preach, but not every day.
I am only human.
You are only human.
We deserve to pause in this world that won’t let us.
We deserve to tell the rest of the world to LET. ME. HEAL.
For it is okay to feel pain but you deserve to see the world in all its moments, all its beauty, for life goes beyond pain.
Life goes so beyond pain.
I promise you.
Trust me.
You can take time to heal.
I did.
I will continue to.
My life is worth that.
Your life is worth that.
I love you.
Now,
Take some time,
Time for yourself.
Time to heal.
Goodbye love.
Until next time.