When I walk past you, I still get the chills. When I am in the same room as you, I immediately get uncomfortable and all I want to do is leave, but I need to stay strong. I still have bad memories take over my thoughts when I hear your name. This isn’t a story about a rapist. It’s not a story about my attacker. It’s a story about my ex-boyfriend, and how someone who used to be so close to me now causes me so much hatred.
Recently, there has been a lot of talk about sexual harassment on college campuses. It is startling to hear of so many sexual assaults that happen on the Brandeis campus, and I commend all the girls who are beginning to speak up. However, I wish to shed some light on other ways men can hurt women, in a less violent manner. I do not wish to belittle the experiences that women have had with their attackers, but the feelings I have towards my ex seem very similar to those I have read on SpeakOut Brandeis.
I have noticed many commonalties between my ex and attackers: he hurt me, he haunts me, and he disrespects me. Respect is the one thing that I, and all girls, can hold onto, but once that’s broken, we are broken— I am broken. He actively ignores me when he was once completely in love with me. He would say I was the one and I was perfect. Now he seems perfectly fine ignoring me. The one to be forgotten.
He is viewed as such a wonderful person by others, but I know it is a lie. He compensates with the hookup culture, and since we broke up, I have only heard of him hooking up with girls and then throw them away and move on to the next. Many people still see him a hero in the progressive feminist movement as he is an active participant in the anti-rape culture on Brandeis—specifically bystander training. It’s ironic that he is able to treat girls poorly, yet not get any attention for that because of his bystander training. When he denounces the rape culture, all I can think is “Mazel Tov, you didn’t rape the girl! Big fucking whoop! Did you at least treat her with some dignity?”
He is masking his insecurities in his self-confidence. Behind that smile lies a boy who cannot handle his feelings well enough to acknowledge the one person on this campus who knows the true stories he holds. If he can treat me, someone he was absolutely infatuated and in love with, like something that can be brushed away and not even notice, then what does he do to girls that he never cared about?
When can the culture of men ignoring women that used to mean so much to them end? When can we finally start treating women with the respect they deserve? All we want is to be treated with some dignity. When will this happen?