My humble opinion isn’t for everyone. But then again no one forced you here (ideally). Lately I’ve been noticing a trend: teenagers with (parents who have) lots of money, and who have little/no talent of their own are exploiting youtube for their own benefit. I’m guilty, like everyone else is, of finding the demise of these pretentious tweeners completely amusing. But, deep down inside, all I want to do is help them get back on track, maybe back in school, off the road….
Today’s subject: Jenna Rose.
Let’s start here. Jenna, what’s your last name? Because it most certainly isn’t “Rose”, and as coyly as you may think you have assimilated into the world of the pseudonym, I’m not buying it. Judging by your overbite and brown hair/eyes, I would take an educated guess: Ms. Jenna Rose Abramson. Am I right? No? How about Goldstein?
Jenna sings about a topic near and dear to every 12 year old’s heart: no it isn’t mommy and daddy (who shelled out roughly 50 K to pay for Jenna’s “friends”, costume changes, mansion, car she can’t legally drive, insurance costs to supplement the car she can’t legally drive and yet somehow managed to dodge the bill for braces). She doesn’t sing about a childhood pet, or her first crush to ever capitalize on her insecurities (once again…your. teeth. are. jagged.). Instead Jenna sings about: Jeans. Yep, jeans, as in blue jeans, clothing, pants. Not just any jeans, but magic jeans that make her more popular and that’s about all I could grab from the song. Really, that’s it..just jeans. So since the message is clear, I’m gonna serve the purpose I was born to serve: I’m gonna bring little Jenna Silverstein down to earth.
5 Things Jeans Can’t Do…
1) Jeans can’t make you famous
Jenna, I know it seems like wearing jeans (especially ones with little rhinestones stapled in every inch of real estate) will make you into Ashley Tisdale. Poof, magic, you’re blonde and bitchy! Well, I hate to state the obvious but, Ashley Tisdale doesn’t wear rhinestone jeans. As a matter of fact (don’t take this the wrong way) but that fad is totally O-U-T-out. Also I don’t mean to cramp your itty bitty sense of style, but skin tight jeans such as the blindingly blinged out ones you’re rocking towards the end of your video all about jeans (you know, in the three seconds where you’re actually wearing jeans), are reserved for people with curves. They’re “curve-hugging-jeans” and you’re “just arriving in middle school this year”. Put down the denim and go check out the light up tinker bell sneakers next door in Limited Too, I’ve heard they recently remodeled.
2) Jeans can’t put themselves on
You’re singing about jeans right? I figured this out after the second chorus when suddenly the words “my jeans” were resonating in every part of my brain. The subliminal messaging is intense, and somehow all I can think about is blue jeans when I hear your name. So back to my issue, if you’re hopelessly devoted to jeans, why are you wearing a skirt throughout your entire video? Also, if you’re buying these magic presto Ashley Tisdale jeans from the mall, why do they already have a bling-tastic rhinestone “J” on the back? Are they Joe’s Jeans? Do they make those for toddlers? Why would anyone but you want to buy jeans with a big “J” on the back that practically introduces itself “Hey, world, I’m sitting on Jenna Rose’s a**, and I’m proud”. That’s just not very believable, because statistically a very small percentage of the world has the initial “J” and that would be very poor marketing. I suspect you’ve had these jeans longer than you let on.
3) Jeans don’t make you old enough to drive
Even if you’re driving a clown car that fits roughly forty of your highest paid closest friends, you still need a license. Even a permit would be fine, pending that you don’t get pulled over since I’ve been in a mini cooper and they aren’t equipped with that many seatbelts. On another note, you obviously come from cash Ms. Rubinstein. Why that car? I see the custom license plate, are you one of those? Buy a shitty car and pimp it out, you think that makes you “real”? Well it doesn’t, your friends will still be jealous that you’re wealthy and call you dirty/creative names behind your back. Matter of fact, the only thing they won’t be jealous of are those tack-tabulous rhinestone jeans! I saw a girl in the back of your video laughing and I’m sorry to tell you, she doesn’t want those jeans like you. She wants to strangle you with your wearable disco ball and move on to another tweenybop’s video whose parents gave a better offer.
4) Jeans don’t distract us from the 1.5 rappers you have in your video
So seriously what is up with that? Actually one rapper is pretty damn good. I can’t really understand what he’s saying except for the occasional “jeans” thrown in, but I did notice that the words rhyme, they’re said quickly and the little guy (Baby Triggy) can keep it going just like a real rapper can. But who is next to him? Sometimes when you walk the streets of New York there will be some drugged or deluded hobo who walks next to you speaking to either the back of your hear or to his imaginary friend (sometimes both if he’s lucky). This extra man reminds me an awful lot of one of these tagalongs because he seems to not be clued in to the script, or real life for that matter. If you are a token rapper who got slipped into the last two minutes of a random little girl’s video, your job is to rap your heart out until the camera gets tired of you and the singer feels comfortable saying things like “jack my swag”. So, random extra who contributed an impressive grand total of 5 words to this project, you missed the memo, your services are no longer needed, thank you.
5) Jeans aren’t a substitute for dental work
You cannot be a singer until you can open and close your mouth like all other people can. You just aren’t a real musician without this basic ability. Jenna, I’m sorry, you are the weakest link. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I have the sneaking suspicion that someone settled a mean left hook right into the corner of your jaw. How many times do I need to tell you girls do not sing for other people. You’re going to get hurt! Well, the truth is the damage is done so how do we fix it? I’m no doctor so my diagnosis of five years with the mouth wired securely shut may be challenged by a licensed orthodontist (it may not, just throwing that out there, it may not). Whatever the problem is, you’re going to end up biting off a good chunk of lip with those chompers of doom, so sooner is better for you to make that first appointment for some corrective braces/surgery/other drastic measures. Someday you will be beautiful. Just not today, and not in those jeans, and probably not famous ever. Dreams don’t always come true, you’ll thank me for that later.
Here’s the video in question. I’m out of hatred, so just watch it.