You might be asking yourself what a “personal life reset” is. Well I’m here to tell you. This is a term I just made up in order to help describe the current state of my personal life. In other words, my friendships, mental health, self care and overall well-being. The reset part of the term is essentially the act of restructuring your life to help adapt to changes. In this article, I am going to talk about the friendship aspect of this term. This semester has truly thrown me for the biggest loop ever. Everything I knew to be true was ripped away from me. In a way, this semester has been a hard pill to swallow, but it was a necessary one.
For starters, I grew up in a small town in a graduating class of 133 people. When I first got to college, I had such a hard time finding friends. Because of my small town lifestyle, I had no trouble making friends at home, but college is a whole different ball game.
The shortest version of the story
To make an extremely long-story short, here is the condensed version of my college friendships. I apologize in advance because the following paragraphs are as shortened as possible.
Second semester of my freshman year I was part of a friend group in which we all hung out 24/7. After a handful of months, I ended up leaving this group. This was because one of the guys started a completely uncalled for conflict with me. After that I quickly found a new group of friends. This group just so happened to be one of the fraternities on campus. Whether you think guys and girls can just be friends or not, these guys were so respectful and kind. They helped me get back on track with school and helped me through a really tough part of my life. I was so fortunate because I met my best friend through that frat. She was the girlfriend of one of the guys, and we became inseparable. I even reconnected with a friend I had a falling out with, and we decided to be roommates. Last semester I was in a situationship with one of the new members. It was cut short when he ended things with me the day before finals. He then told his girl best friend that he had feelings for her. Here’s the real kicker: he didn’t even wait five days after ending things with me to tell her that.
The first full weekend of this semester that frat threw two parties. At the first one, someone lied to my roommate and told her I was all over her boyfriend. Things escalated between her and I to the point where she moved to a different room. At the second party, I didn’t spend more than 20 minutes at the actual party. I am not proud to admit it, but after seeing the guy I was in a situationship with and his girl best friend all over each other, it really got to me. I spent the rest of the night crying while sitting alone on the floor of an empty bedroom. The following week was a brother bonding week, so there wasn’t a lot of hanging out with them. That Saturday I got a text from their president that informed me he needed to meet with me. I had no idea what it was about, but if you gave me 100 guesses, it wouldn’t have even been the 101 guess. Turns out that during chapter, someone made a motion to ban me from the frat. They used some categorically untrue reason. However, they did reach the required 25 percent vote and it was decided that I was banned for the rest of the semester.
I called my “best friend” crying and just wanting to talk to her. However, she couldn’t be bothered to answer. It took her over 12 hours to actually respond to my text. After she told me that we were of course still best friends, I stopped messaging first and I haven’t heard from her since.
And so the reset has begun
I surrounded myself with this frat. I really didn’t see a need to make any close friends outside of the frat. Therefore, when I got banned from the frat I had no more than acquaintances. I was forced to reset my personal life. I couldn’t understand it right away, but this was the best opportunity I have ever received. I was essentially given a clean slate and a fresh start. The first time I was given a taste of a personal life reset, I rushed myself out of it. This time I decided to take it slow. Instead of seeking out an instant click of a friendship, I took a step back and decided I needed to let the friendships form on their own. For about three months, I never had more than strong acquaintances. Sure I had close friends, but they were always too busy to hang out.
I continued to put faith in the universe that it would give me a great friend at the right time. Sure enough, at the beginning of April, I met an amazing friend in the most bizarre way. The dorm building’s emergency alert went off because of a tornado warning in the area. Everyone had no idea where to go, and I just started following these three girls. By the time we got to the main level, the basement was already full. We decided to take cover in a hallway. I started talking to one of the girls, and we bonded over how scared we were. I got her snap, and we started getting to know each other. I am still taking it slow, but she has restored my faith in the universe and friendship.
The why and how of a life reset
I was devastated when I lost basically every single one of my friends in one day. I genuinely didn’t know how to move forward. Once I finally closed the open wound, I was able to step back and evaluate the situation in the right headspace. Although it may not have been what I planned, it was truly for the best. In one moment, I was able to eliminate essentially every bit of toxicity from my life. This personal life reset was such a blessing and wouldn’t change it one bit.
So, you may be wondering why a personal life reset is so important. I would say that when friendships click right away, it can be hard to see the red flags. These red flags are only hurting you. A personal life reset is a way to take back control of your life and create a new life. In my experience, it may feel like your world is falling apart, but in reality, it’s falling into place. After the initial shock and sadness passes, I found that my mental health improved and a weight was lifted off of me.
If you’re looking to try this, here is what I found worked for me. I want to start by saying this is all from my experience and is not guaranteed to work for everyone. I found that because my reset was forced, it was a lot easier to look at the situation as a third-party. If you aren’t forced to reset, it may be harder to get yourself to shift your perspective. However this is where it starts. When you look at the friendship as an outsider looking in, what do you see? You probably see all the good and happy memories, but if more negatives and red flags begin to appear, it’s time to reevaluate. If your life was actually a movie, would you approve with your character’s friends? Would you think they deserve better? If you find yourself wishing your character had better friends, it’s time to reevaluate. When I found myself thinking that, I took it as my sign to move on. It can be so hard to admit that to yourself and even harder to act on it.
If/when you take action and excommunicate yourself, this is when the healing begins. A friendship break-up can be just as — if not more — heartbreaking than a romantic break-up. Give yourself time to heal. Use your new found free time to focus on yourself and determine the kinds of people you really want in your life. Once you’ve done that you can start to open yourself up to the idea of new friends. Don’t settle for less, nor force a friendship. If you go in with your standards and they don’t meet those standards then the friendship is not right for you. I used to hate the saying “good things come to those who wait.” However, since my personal life began to reset, I have found immense comfort with that saying.
I received a lot of backlash from most of the people involved in the situation. Luckily, because of past experiences, I am very secure with basically all aspects of myself. That being said, it takes a lot to really affect my self esteem. A few of the girls I was friends with started passive aggressively bullying me. All the years I spent building a strong self esteem had finally paid off. One of the girls tried to play the victim and the other was just being petty. The comments they would both make were, in all honesty, pathetic. Another life lesson I found comfort in was “don’t throw stones from a house of glass.” These girls were just insecure with themselves and projecting that onto me, as is the case with most bullies. It was obvious they were doing more damage to themselves in the process of trying to hurt me. This was apparent to me because I watched them get more and more desperate to hurt me; therefore, they were just stressing themselves out. It didn’t take long before they stopped bullying me.
Please note the following advice may not work in all forms of bullying.
A bully thrives on your downfall. Because of this, I can’t stress enough how important it is to let the things bullies say roll off your back. You don’t have to have high self esteem or tough skin. It may be more challenging to brush it off, but I assure you, you can do it. Even if that means you fake not caring to their face and express your feelings once away from them. Typically, if a bully sees their actions are not affecting their target they will turn their efforts else way.
Just because you are going through a period of time with only acquaintances, it doesn’t make you a loser. Bettering yourself takes strength and courage. Last time I checked, those are not the characteristics of a loser. Self care is the name of the game, and it’s time to start participating. During a personal life reset there are bound to be some rough patches, but don’t let that discourage you. After everything I went through, I have found peace with the lifestyle I’m creating for myself.