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Sex and the Campus: Musings on Balls

I’m back!

After a celibate hiatus, there is once again sex on the campus…Hallelujah! For my grand return, I thought I’d start out with musings on an ever present but rarely acknowledged phenomenon- balls. Whatever you want to call them–be it balls, testicles, nuts, mountain oysters, or jingleberries–these things are around us all the time!

Isn’t that a weird thing to think about? No matter what situation you’re in, if there are men, there are balls! Sitting next to you in class, in front of you in line in Moulton, on stage at the a Capella concert.

And yet, I rarely find myself acknowledging them. I’m never walking around thinking, “You know what exist? Balls.” Neither are any of the girls I know. All of us are just going along, minding our own business, never thinking about something that’s there all the time. But there they are- perched underneath the penis, like a pair of boxing gloves. 

Another odd thing about balls is that while they are an important component of the male sex organs, they are not something that we consider when we think of what’s sexy. If you ask a random sample of females who are attracted to males what the sexiest male body part is, I guarantee that a full 0% will mention testicles: “Oh man, he just had the best balls,” said no woman ever.

They sit so close to a part that many women (myself included) are big fans of (penises), but they don’t have the same appeal. They’re like the bat boy of a baseball team. But if Cosmo (The Bible) is to be believed, we should give some more thought to balls. They say that much more attention needs to be paid to those jingleberries.

Next time you find yourself in flagrante delicato, try some of Cosmo’s tips: “Lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle,” “Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum” or perhaps try “jiggling the balls back and forth with your hand, like shaking dice in a cup.” Disclaimer: Don’t actually try any of these. I won’t recommend trying these.

The last word I have on the subject, before I’ll let everyone get back to their Econ problem sets or LinkedIn stalking (#seniors), is the bizarre movement of the testicles. They actually have a mind of their own. It’s like they’re the Glass Elevator cars in Willy Wonka’s factory! They go up and down, sit on top of each other, go into the body, hang down far from the body, and sometimes even do flips (this one is perhaps an exaggeration). 

I don’t have any body parts that do things on their own, except my hair on rainy days. There’s no independent movement, no retreating into the body cavity! It certainly doesn’t help men’s case in claiming that they aren’t from Mars, because balls seem pretty alien to me…

And with that, ladies, I present to you a little video I found on the Interwebs!

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