Halloween is supposed to be the spookiest time of the year, right? Don’t get me wrong: haunted corn mazes, scary movie nights, and armies of scantily clad house-bunnies are all legitimately scary.
But don’t kid yourself into thinking the horrors have ended just because October 31st came and went. Something potentially far more disturbing and drawn-out is waiting just around the corner.
Got a hot date in the next few weeks? Think twice before you give him a kiss goodnight— it may feel more or less like making out with sandpaper. Been missing that hottie in class the last few days? He’s actually been there the whole time. You just haven’t been able to recognize him under all of his facial hair.
Scared yet? You should be. I’m talking four weeks of poorly sculpted mustaches and neglected razors. No-Shave-November, aka Noshember (or Movember), is upon us.
From fab to fearsome, you’re sure to see it all this month.
To familiarize yourself with it all, take a look at George Clooney and Michael Cera, below; classic celebrity examples of facial hair done right, and oh-so-wrong. Can you tell which is which?
In effect, Noshember is a month-long holiday celebrating laziness and the abandonment of hygienic routine.
When November rolls around and the weather starts getting chilly, caveman instincts kick in. Guys start fattening up, overindulging in beer and football on the couch, and taking less pride in their appearances… often resulting in beardedness.
But let’s not sell this Noshember business short: part of the Noshember movement is raising awareness for men’s health issues— a noble cause.
As we’ve all seen in years past, college boys are often among the most enthusiastic participants. And since large flocks of men are all cultivating beards at the same time, it is only natural that it has been turned into a manly competition, like boat-racing or hotdog eating contests.
For the uninitiated, criteria for the “best-looking beard” include naturalness, fullness, and improvement from last year. Who can tolerate the itchiness and discomfort the longest? Who can resist pressure from girlfriends and mothers alike, saying, “Shave, for god’s sake, shave!”
To familiarize yourself with the no-shave phenomenon, check out this visual guide so you know exactly what you are “faced” with this month (ha-ha-ha).
Melodramatic, yes. Insignificant, NOT! The no-shave phenomenon affects us all. That’s not to say that Noshember is all BAD… there are certainly ups and downs to address, depending on the guy and the beard.
First, let’s face it: beards done right can be both manly and sexy. There is potential for a win-win situation here, especially if the beard is paired with nice, plaid button-up shirts. Let your guy (or guy friend) know right off the bat that overalls will not be tolerated, however.
Guys who can pull off the sexy lumberjack look are a rare breed, indeed. The old-fashioned, rustic vibe works for some guys and can be a total turn on, too. Not every guy can pull it off, however. Those that can tend to be the guys whose default appearance is scruffy anyway—guys who have to shave three times a day to stay smooth. No-Shave-November is their opportunity to be their natural selves. There’s nothing wrong with that.
If your guy is one of these, congratulations; you’re officially dating a MAN and not a boy. Go you!
If your crush is one of these, use Noshember as an opportunity to give him a well-deserved beard compliment. Remember, with these types, the sandpaper phase will last only days, if not mere hours. Worst case, you have to deal with more beard bragging than normal, and the secret envy of all his friends and probably their girlfriends too.
Speaking of separating the men from the boys… some guys, often the really cute ones, are baby-faced. Sigh. Try though they might (and oh, how they try!) they just cannot get the full beard going. They end up with perpetual scruff—blonde peach fuzz at best—which they are oh-so-proud of. But these efforts, while endearing, cannot be labeled a “beard”. It’s like your fifteen-year-old brother experimenting with facial hair, all over again. Or worse, your twelve-year-old brother trying to imitate your dad. Aagh.
Some girls find scruff appealing. Other don’t. The key thing is to recognize early on that the beard is just not going to happen. That’s okay! A kind intervention might be in order here, and you certainly can’t be blamed for it… the true test of manliness for the guy/beard in question may be owning up to the fact that a beard done poorly is much, much worse than no beard at all.
No-Shave-November also tends to bring out the experimentalists, and this is where things can get really Halloween-grotesque. Some guys are not content just “letting go” for a month, but insist on getting artistic—grooming French mustaches, goatees, and topiaries on their faces. If you’re into it, that’s cool. Once again, however, interventions are totally appropriate and within your rights as a friend or girlfriend. Think about how horrified his mother will be if her son comes home for Thanksgiving looking like he adopted Brad Pitt’s goatee (NOT a compliment. That shi*t is scary).
A final important note about this whole No-Shave-November business is that it is not an exclusively male event. If for any reason you are in a gung-ho, feministic, or just purely lazy mood, there is nothing barring you from enthusiastic participation: leg hair, pit hair, whatever. In fact, this may be an excellent form of leverage, too. An “I-won’t-shave-until-you-shave” ultimatum is all part of the Noshember fun, and a proven strategy for getting your way.
Good luck ladies.