College is a time for new experiences, but sooner or later we all have experiences that we regret. Have you ever done something and immediately wished you could erase it from your memory and pretend it never happened? Or perhaps you wish you could simply talk to someone, without judgement, in order to get it off your chest. Never Have I Ever is the answer to your prayers in blog series form, of course. We share reader submitted stories anonymously in hopes of setting people free from their experiences, and allowing readers to connect on a deeper level with one another. From humorous to the most serious of situations, this is a restriction and judgement free zone! Below is our first submission and we hope it will get you thinking; what is your “never have I ever” moment?
The Darkness.
Depression. A mental illness. A deep sorrow, not always explainable. What most people don’t understand is that depression isn’t a choice. It’s a disease. It’s basically a malignant cancer of the mind that can be harder to combat than cancer itself, because it isn’t visible or operable.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was fourteen and a freshman in high school. At this point, it’s considered a chronic condition rather than situational or seasonal. What this means is that I face this internal war consistently. Yes, sometimes it’s worse than others. Even so, on the days where I can function, that ghost is still there.
This time it was bad. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I had constant migraines that made me sick and unable to concentrate on anything. I could barely bring myself to crawl out of bed in the morning, and when I did, the outside world was too loud and too bright for me to handle. I was on the brink of losing everything I’d worked for, and all because I was scared and too weak to take a stand. Finally, I had to accept that the problem wasn’t getting better this time; it just kept getting worse.
I called my doctor, and she got me an appointment. She was shocked and sad about how much pain I was in, and she told me we’d work together to fix it. I am now taking an anti-depressant.
This topic is both difficult and easy for me to discuss. It is difficult because I have a hard time sharing things about myself. I’ve always been afraid of failure and rejection, so sharing my weakness is petrifying. However, it is easy for me to talk about because I’ve been there, and I’m passionate about raising awareness for this issue.
This darkness is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. I think and do things that are not me, and that I can’t always fix because sometimes you only get one chance. My darkness…I used to embrace it. I thought I was strong, because I didn’t let it get the best of me; and, I hate to say, there was a time I thought that others were weak because they themselves couldn’t bear the weight.
That was when I realized something very important: my darkness is not the same as the one within the man on the subway or the woman in the supermarket. Each individual has their own unique darkness, like a snowflake or a finger print. However, while our battles may be different, that does not mean we are alone.
I still wake up at night from anxiety induced nightmares. I still have days where I have to force myself out of bed, where I have to ask myself why I should. I still have dark thoughts sometimes, and I still have the occasional mood. These things are a part of me, but they are not me, and that is important to understand.
I am not my illness, and neither are you, whoever you are. I just wanted to share my story, because everyone needs to hear those words sometimes.
— Dark & Not Ashamed
Interested in submitting your confession? You can anonymously submit your own stories here.