Some people say you become a woman when you get your first period, but I think you truly become a woman when you go through your first real breakup.
As a senior in college, I’ve been through two breakups – one with my highschool boyfriend of three years, and one with my college boyfriend of a year and a half. Neither was easy, but I’d like to think that both of these experiences taught me more about what I need in a relationship and how to take care of myself after leaving a relationship. Here’s some things that helped me heal, and I hope they help you too.
Cry It Out
Our culture has placed a lot of shame around crying and showing our vulnerable sides when times get tough, but we can’t always ‘power through it.’ We’re human and we have emotions. Sometimes the only way to relieve yourself of those emotions is to let them surface in a controlled way. I’ve definitely been known to listen to some Taylor Swift and ball my eyes out after a breakup, and I have no shame about that.
Lean On Your Girlfriends
If there’s any single defining characteristic of a girl’s girl, it’s being a shoulder to cry on. It can feel really therapeutic venting to your closest friends during a time like this, and sometimes their validation is exactly what you need to hear. “You’re better off without them!” “You are out of their league!” and “We didn’t even like them!” can feel like music to our ears post-breakup.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
As hard as it sounds, I’ve found that getting rid of every last trace of your ex can be really helpful when trying to move on. When I don’t do this, I find myself rereading old text conversations and looking at old pictures, torturing myself with ‘the good old times.’ But we all know they weren’t really that ‘good’ – nostalgia is just good at tricking us into thinking they were. Instead, fight this urge to reminisce by blocking your ex on social media and getting rid of any mementos you have saved, like little gifts, sentimental Instagram posts, and phone lockscreens.
Do Things That Make You Feel Like Yourself Again
After a breakup, I often find myself forgetting who I am. I usually just feel like this sad waste-of-space with no motivation to do anything. However, we can’t lose ourselves just because we lost our SO. Instead, use this time as a newly-single individual to recenter yourself and remember who you were before this relationship. Maybe there’s a hobby that you haven’t done since before you and your ex started dating, or maybe this is the perfect time to take an ‘everything shower’ and get your nails done. Do what recharges you and makes you feel like you’re getting back on your feet.
Don’t Blame Yourself
It’s easy to think of everything you did wrong after ending a relationship. Whether you were the ‘dumpee’ or the dumper,’ both roles can make you regret your past decisions. But instead of spiraling into this hole of ‘what if’s’ and ‘should have’s,’ try to lift yourself back up by trusting the universe. Everything happens for a reason and if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Keep Yourself Busy
Sometimes all I want to do after a break up is lay in bed and wallow in my feelings. But being idle and alone with your thoughts is sometimes the worst thing you can do for yourself. I always find myself laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep but struggling because of racing thoughts. In these moments, I find it helpful to distract myself by listening to some white noise or a sleep podcast, or reading a book until I drift off. And whenever my mind starts wandering during the day, I try to write out my feelings or move my body to shake off the anxious thoughts.
At the end of the day, don’t forget that everything will work out in the end. The universe will eventually send what you need your way but until then, be the person you need to be for yourself and you’ll find that that, paired with time, can truly heal a breakup.