Honestly, what scares me more than a babysitter receiving heavy-breathed calls or a mysterious string of impossibly gory murders is the amount of money some girls end up spending on Halloweekend. With three days of frights and fun, dropping fifty dollars on costumes that will inevitably be splattered red with jungle juice (Hitchcock’s second choice for fake blood) is not feasible. Before the Party City on Main Street turns into an actual warzone, plan for your cheapest Halloween to date.
1.) Millions of years ago, the first cavewoman put some sticks in her hair, drew on whiskers with mud, and called herself a saber-toothed tiger. Take note. If you have a pair of animal ears and a stick of eyeliner, you will go far in life and on Halloween. Amazon has a pair of cat ears for just $7. And they’re glittery. You’re welcome. Make our ancestor Ugga the cavewoman proud.
2.) You know that pair of galaxy leggings that you convinced yourself would take your yoga game to the next level? I.E., the pair in the back of your closet that never saw yoga or the light of day? Throw them on, add some fun eyeshadow, and call yourself an alien. Alternatively, pick up this pair for $5; they also come in a mermaid print. Just mentally prepare yourself for some overly handsy kid who’s calling his jersey a costume to tell you your a** is “out of this world.”
3.) Draw an F on a piece of paper and tape it to your shirt. Wow! You’re your first GB 112 grade—spooky.
4.) If you’re looking for a couples costume and can’t convince your guy to match the very specific Pinterest vision you had going, offer a very cute alternative: Jim and Pam. We all have enough business casual to dress an army of accountants, so break out your sweater and knee-length skirt and channel your inner receptionist. Add a name tag if you don’t feel like explaining your costume all night. Better yet, use your aforementioned cat ears and go extra-meta: Pam’s cat costume and Jim as the Three Hole Punch.
5.) Those name tags you picked up for Jim and Pam? Take the extras and just cover yourself in dozens of different names. You’ve become an identify thief. Congratulations.
6.) Do you still have last year’s ugly Christmas sweater? Pick up some tinsel, throw a construction paper star on a headband, and transform yourself into the world’s least timely Christmas tree.
7.) The perfect costume for Saturday: the Walk of Shame. All you need is last night’s makeup and that one dude’s t-shirt you totally planned on giving back.
8.) Throw on your tallest pair of heels and tower over the masses. You have effectively become the Smith Stairs. Feel like a goddess as you take everyone’s breath away for the remainder of the night.
9.) You and I both know you have an embarrassing amount of clothing covered in Hawaiian prints, since it seems like every other weekend a frat hosts a beach-themed party. Clip on your fanny pack, draw on your bushiest mustache, and roll out the bad puns. Draw inspiration from your dad on that one vacation he tried to befriend the locals and become the night’s best tourist.
10.) Envision your eight-year-old self when you got into your mom’s red lipstick—recreate that memory along with your palest foundation, and transform yourself into Pennywise from IT. Nothing screams Halloween like a carnivorous clown.
May your Halloweekend be thrifty, and full of more treats than tricks.