Let me first start this article by asserting that, despite the title, I do have some very good friends from high school, and that the content of this piece is not about them. They know who they are.
This past summer, I effectively cut ties with several people whom I considered to be in the group that I was a part of. This is not to say they were my only group, but certainly the main one. I’m sure many of you feel the same way: that the group you went to prom with and the group you threw parties with, after graduation and your first few years in college, somehow ends up being the primary crowd, regardless of all of the other individual friendships you curated over those four years. I use the language “cut ties” because this was no gradual separation or natural distance, at least in my eyes. I can’t speak for any of them, but in addition to the aloofness that started when we cleaned out our lockers and packed up for college, there was the catalyst of their building friendship with a girl who had been my friend since age one, a girl who was, for all intents and purposes, my sister. I had introduced her to them many times over the years, but during sophomore year of college she struck up her own bonds with them and, by the time the summer rolled around, I felt completely replaced.
But that’s that; I’m not going to rehash it because treating it as a learning experience is way better for the soul. Also, to quote Destiny’s Child: “You know I’m not gon diss you on the Internet, ‘cause my mama taught me better than that.” At the end of the day, explaining all the minute details and changing or not changing the names isn’t going to be any more cathartic than this simple Sparknotes version, and it’s not fair to tell a one-sided story. Months have passed and I’ve been over it since the first week passed, so this is my olive branch to myself, a way of letting myself acknowledge that it happened and not feel bad about not feeling bad.
I once made this joke that if I had to hypothetically design a shirt and wear it, by way of answering all the “How was your summer?” questions it would say: My High School Friendships Ended and All I Have to Show For it is This Ratty “Class of 2011” T-Shirt. That’s not true. Here’s what I actually have to show for it:
This is not the actual shirt in my drawer at home. It is way better than mine.
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1. I learned that, when some lifelong connections fizzle out, some friendships end up being more enduring than you thought they were. There’s one girl in that group that, when she found out what happened, didn’t stop talking to me. All too often in breakups, both romantic and platonic, people take sides. But it’s nice to know that people recognize when you’ve done nothing bad to them and realize you can still be friends. We go to different schools, but she still invited me to her birthday celebration and I’m always pleased to hear from her.
2. I learned that sometimes you need to stop being wrapped up in the drama that is at the forefront and focus on what you’ve shirked away. I had plenty of individual friendships in high school, the ones where, were I to invite everyone to a party, there wouldn’t really be a common thread that connected them other than me. One friend was there for me when I couldn’t see past the soap opera and she stayed there long after I figured out what I needed to do. She helped me close a door, but opened another one by including me in the plans of her own group, one that I had kept at arm’s length prior to graduation. That crew is now comprised of my close friends, not just classmates. I started hanging out more with the people at work, and realized that I enjoyed it after all. They’re all so funny and I’m glad I got to spend one last summer sitting poolside with them.
3. I learned that college is awesome and Boston College was the best thing that could have happened to me. Before this incident over the summer even happened, it wasn’t as though I was excited to be home. I would have rather seen my roommates every day (context: we lived in an 8-man sophomore year and were all going to live in an 8-man junior year, so if I saw them over the summer it would have been an excessive amount of time) than have spent another second sitting in someone’s basement watching dumb YouTube videos. I was counting down the days until classes started; I was yearning to be back on the Heights. If home is really where the heart is, then I don’t think I really went home for the summer – I think I came back home in September. BC gets a bad rap for drinking, for hookup culture, and for making girls have horrible self-esteem, or so the news reports say. I’m not disputing that, and I’m not saying I’ve never felt excluded here, but I am saying that the idea of belonging here and being here and knowing what I’m about to do when I leave here is infinitely more real to me than the ties I cut at home. Sometimes, where you see yourself going in the future just doesn’t fit in with the spot carved out for you in the past.
4. And finally, I learned that my family is LITERALLY ALWAYS RIGHT. You know when you break up with someone and your parents finally decide to tell you, “Oh, well I actually always hated that dumb thing he did with his hair. And I knew you were going to leave him the day he came over 20 minutes late and put his soda on top of your laptop. Who even does that?!” Well, when you lose about six or seven friends, they can now tell you all the signs they had been seeing since you came home one day in 8th grade upset that one of them kind of ignored you during lunch and passed notes behind your back, or something dumb like that. That’s literally two years of middle school, four years of high school, and two years of college evidence that gives them the total right to say “I told you so, Meg.” PSA: Next time your parents tell you that maybe you should call that nice girl up the block because she’s never made plans without you and then talked about them in front of you, you should follow their advice, lest you be reminded by them six years later that there were always other options. My mom is also always right about shopping choices and my dad is always spot on with the advice, so this is a blanket statement and universally applicable to situations other than losing friendships.
5. I have a greater sense of self: what I like, what I hate, what I am willing to tolerate and for how long before I have to salvage my sanity instead. I know what I deserve, and what I don’t deserve, and most importantly, what I plan on doing about it.
So, big shout outs to my friends, family, co-workers, roommates, and current classmates. I don’t only have this slightly pilled and cut up “Class of 2011” t-shirt after all.
Photo Source:
http://www.brownsgrad.com/shop/images/2011%20Class%20of%20Shirt.JPG