Disclaimer: This is meant to be a piece of satire. If you follow any of this advice, you will probably get an even worse grade and everyone will hate being around you. With that warning, my conscience is clear. Read on at your own risk.
Honestly, school is really difficult. There are books and papers and reading and classes. Gross. That’s why it is so easy to lose track of how bad your grades are until it’s practically too late! But don’t worry, there is always time to bring your grades back up. Follow these tips and you are basically assured an easy A.
Complain a lot, to everyone
There is a positive correlation between how much you whine about your grades and how much they increase. The end of the semester is the perfect time to realize your grades aren’t very good. Luckily, no one else is busy, so they all definitely want to hear about your concerns. Go ahead, cry to your roommate, your classmates, and even that random guy on the bus. Trust me, they all care.
Cry to professors and TAs
Speaking of crying, don’t forget to shed some tears for your professors and TAs! They will be totally sympathetic to you, because who doesn’t love an underdog? Plus, it’s 99% their fault. I mean, sure, you forgot a couple of assignments and missed one, or ten, classes, but who can blame you? You were, like, really busy this semester. They have to change your grades. You earned it.
This is not your fault. In fact, it is everyone else’s fault. Maybe if your professor put her notes online this wouldn’t be an issue. If your roommate didn’t snore so loudly at night, you wouldn’t have slept through all of your 1pm classes. Everyone else in that class was a total know-it-all, so they ruined the curve. As long as you refuse all blame, and remind those who are at fault what they have done wrong, your grades will definitely improve.
Work harder? Catch up on notes? Study? Who do these people think you are?! This “constructive criticism” is just really harsh and unfair. There is no need for you to change your ways; you are perfect. Ignore the advice of others and keep doing your own thing. Joke will be on them when you walk away with immaculate grades.
Use all your energy to complain
You only have so much energy, so it’s important to be careful with how you use it. You could read a book or go over some notes, but isn’t there a better outlet? Honestly, you need to prioritize and realize that the only way you will ever boost your grades is if you complain often and complain well.
If you follow these tips, you’re totally (not) ensured a better grade. Remember: you earned the mark you got, and now you’re going to use your charm (read: obnoxiousness) to get a grade you want. That’s how life works, right?