My mom has always been a working mom. Growing up, I used to wish that she worked part-time at least so that I could’ve spent more time with her, like some of my friends whose moms didn’t work. Not until I was older did my mom explain things to me. Of course, my mom loves me and my brother and wants to spend all her time with us, but at the same time, she values her education and has worked hard to build her career. She wants me to continue pursuing my education and to work hard to establish myself in a career that I’m passionate about. The best way she could teach me this, she explained, was to lead by example. Now a little older and a little wiser, I can appreciate and respect the decisions and sacrifices my mom made.
I’m well aware of how sensitive this issue can be. Let me say right now that being a stay-at-home mother or being a full-time professional are both respectable and very personal decisions. Full-time moms devote their focus to raise their family; full-time professionals work tirelessly on their careers. There is no right choice for women- some feel called to raising a family, others are passionate about pursuing prestige within their industry, and still others are motivated for neither.
But there is also a category of women that “want it all.” Though some collegiettes joke that they are in college to get their “MRS,” there is a large percentage of us who do want it all and feel like we can have it all. We value our education and are excited about what the future holds for us and our careers. We also want our own families, in all its diaper glory.
Many of us already do an incredible job of having it all. We somehow manage our time between everything that’s important to us right now: focusing on school, working out at the Plex, building relationships with friends, networking and applying to internships, working part-time, exploring Boston… Once we graduate and focus on our careers, we may encounter an increasingly outdated question–whether from family, friends, partners, or colleagues–So, which is it: career or family?
Women have made remarkable strides over the past decades. Thanks to the feminist movement, women have much more sexual freedom, fewer professional barriers, and in general, more gender equality. But for some reason, this question continues to be raised of women, as though we actually need to choose one or the other.
For the generation of women before us, this was certainly more of a point of contention. According to research from the Center for Work-Life Policy, a New York think tank, “more than a third of women (43%) in Generation X are childless and it is suggested that two of the biggest contributing factors to this statistic may be demanding work schedule and career ambition for women.” In fact the research continues saying, “most wanted to be moms but couldn’t see a way to balance work and motherhood. Others were afraid that once they got pregnant, their jobs would be adversely affected.”
For many of these women, succeeding professionally meant sacrificing their original family plans. The same holds true for women who had to place their careers on the backburner in order to raise their family. One researcher writes that “A major reason explaining why women are underrepresented not only in math-intensive fields but also in senior leadership positions in most fields is that many women choose to have children, and the timing of childrearing coincides with the most demanding periods of their career, such as trying to get tenure or working exorbitant hours to get promoted.”
Though our mothers’ generation faced many more obstacles trying to balance having a career and raising a family, they also helped knock down many hurdles for our generation. Some people may still expect us to pick between career and family, but the reality is, we can have it all! It no longer needs to be a choice between succeeding as a strong, confident professional, and starting a loving family. Balancing work and family isn’t without its challenges, but it is certainly doable. Women all around us, in every field and industry, are proving it.
I sat down with Professor Clare O’Connor, Associate Professor of Biology at Boston College−a highly educated woman with both a family and accomplished career−to figure out how she successfully has it all. Interestingly, she explained that most women in science have scientist fathers, and sure enough, her father was a chemist. Consequently, O’Connor was exposed to science at an early age and thought it was interesting, so she went to college, planning to teach high school and have a family. She laughs that one of the researchers she worked with during her undergrad years never even encouraged her to pursue grad school because he just assumed or expected that, as a woman, she would have a family and stay at home to raise her kids. Fortunately for her, her parents were always very supportive of education. So when she got married after college and chose to go to graduate school at Purdue with her husband, they supported her, believing it to be the logical next step.
She had her son while still in grad school, but was able to continue working hard in school with the help of babysitters. After graduation, she had two Postdocs (postdoctoral research working in someone else’s lab). During this time, her daughter was born, which O’Connor explains worked out really well, since as a researcher, she had plenty of flexibility in her hours and schedule.
However, with her two children, O’Connor began to encounter this tension between career and children. Her mom asked, “Does that mean you’re going to stay home now?” O’Connor knew that she wouldn’t be able to stay competitive in her field if she took time off for her kids; she would have missed out on all the emerging research. So, although difficult, she chose to continue pursuing the career she loved. Since research is an integral component in her field, she knew she wouldn’t be able to balance teaching, research, and a family, so she chose to focus initially on research and family. Her first job was at the Worcester Foundation for Experimental Biology (which later merged with UMass Medical School), a nonprofit free-standing research institute where she obtained grants for her research. As her own boss, she had lots of flexibility, which allowed her to participate in her children’s school activities and to stay home with them when they were sick.
As her children grew older, she decided to turn her focus towards teaching and research. As her son was entering college and her daughter was heading into high school, O’Connor came to Boston College. Her new job required much more of her and she was much busier; it was definitely a job she wouldn’t have been able to do when her kids were very young. But 17 years later, O’Connor is a beloved professor in the Biology department while continuing her ongoing research.
With a grown daughter of her own and so many female students sitting in her lectures, I was curious to know what her advice is to all of us that also “want it all.” She knows her daughter, currently working on Wall Street, will soon face this question herself. Her daughter does want a family of her own down the road and O’Connor believes she might have to step down a bit professionally in order to do so. She believes any woman that wants to have a family has to prioritize it at least as high as she does her career. No matter what, she explains, family has to come first. They are dependent on you.
But her advice to us is to decide and agree immediately with our significant others about how to balance what’s most important to us. O’Connor stressed this balance can only be achieved with spousal involvement. For instance, she and her husband staggered their schedules while raising their family – one would drop off the kids and the other would pick them up. Though this can be difficult, O’Connor reminded me “Being a scientist is a big part of who I am; I couldn’t just say bye to it.”
At a time when there were still more workplace obstacles for women, O’Connor was able to have it all, both a rewarding career and a family at the same time. She is happy to say that employers and spouses are becoming increasingly more flexible. The Family and Medical Leave Act enables eligible moms and dads to take time off with a new child; many employers provide lactation stations and child care centers on site for working parents. And men are increasingly recognizing and appreciating the success of their female counterparts. More of them are electing to be stay-at-home dads while the moms remain in the workplace.
Fellow collegiettes, it’s not too soon to be thinking about which path you might want to pursue. Of course, there’s no way to plan our entire lives out, but as educated women with career aspirations and personal goals, it’s important to begin considering your options. But know that you absolutely can have it all!
Sources:
http://thegrindstone.com/career-management/more-gen-x-women-are-choosing-career-over-having-a-family-131/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-parent-walravens/choosing-career-over-kids_b_891603.html
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090303082807.htm
Photo Source:
http://ctworkingmoms.com/2012/01/17/who-has-it-harder/