DISCLAIMER: This piece is a personal experience piece, not an advice piece.
Let’s talk about sex. More specifically, let’s talk about herpes. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it? There is so much stigma around herpes that makes broaching this subject intimidating. If you don’t say anything, those who have it silently struggle thinking they are all alone in their battles. If you do say something, people see you as the irresponsible individual who slept around and contracted an STD. It seems as if there’s no way to win. It’s for this reason that I experience fear when talking about this virus. But that fear ends here.
I have herpes. It’s taken me so much longer to write it on paper than to accept it for what it is. I remember the day I was diagnosed as if it was yesterday. At that point, I’d just gone through a tough breakup with my partner of a year. He shared horribly hurtful words that made the year we shared together feel like a lie. Honestly, afterward, I had no idea how to recover from what he said. The first few days post-breakup were difficult. I obsessively thought about him, the relationship, and what went wrong. To perpetuate the situation further, I spent hours talking to my mom and friends about the breakup, desperately trying to rant away my intense feelings. All in all, I was just trying to put together the puzzle pieces of my confusion over how the relationship ended. When I failed to find the answers, I felt as though all the ways I had tried to cope were hopeless.
The words my ex shared significantly impacted my self-esteem. One second he was telling me how pretty I was, how much he loved me, and all the other cutesy shit any girl wants to hear from her man. The next second, he made it seem like he never wanted anything to do with me. To recoup my confidence, I ill-advisedly turned to sex.
Let’s make one thing clear, sex is beautiful. In my eyes, nothing and no one can change that. However, at this moment, I knew I was turning to it for the wrong reasons. Personally, I never had the so-called “hoe phase” in college. I had my friends-with-benefits situations here and there, but I’d never ventured into casual hookups. Out of desperation and wanting to feel loved, I had sex. Lots of it. While it was only with a few lovers, one of them didn’t have my best interest in mind. To him, I was essentially a sex doll to use for his pleasure. Looking back, I don’t understand why I allowed him to treat me like that. However, our friends-with-benefits deal would quickly come to a screeching halt soon enough for a reason beyond the crappy way he treated me.
A few days after an encounter with him, I visited the doctor for some suspicious symptoms. I’ll spare the details of what exactly I experienced, but it was extremely uncomfortable, and I was deeply worried for my health. What ensued was a series of three appointments trying to get to the bottom of what was happening. To make matters worse, between appointments, my symptoms gradually grew more and more unbearable. I could barely get through a day without feeling physically plagued by my then-unknown condition.
Just as I felt like I was reaching my breaking point, there came clarity. But the kind of clarity I never wanted. Growing up we learn about safe sex. Typically, it begins with a high-level overview in grade school. Then a few years later in our intermediate years, we learn about the more nitty-gritty details of the birds and the bees. Then in high school, when many consider having sex for what may be the first time, it’s all about becoming prepared to do so safely. The education I received on sex made me feel as if getting an STD automatically made me “dirty”. I remember thinking that I could never be a person who acquired one of these diseases. I was simply too responsible for that. But is there really such a thing as being ‘too responsible’ to catch an STD?
I will never forget the way the doctor looked at me. Fortunately, I had the most compassionate healthcare professional to deliver this news. Although it was inevitably going to be a harsh blow, without mincing words, she uttered “You have Type 1 Genital Herpes”. At first, it didn’t hit me. To tell you the truth, I had no idea what herpes was. I vaguely remember hearing the word in health class but had no concept of what it meant. Seeing the confused look on my face, she looked at me and proceeded to explain what the virus was. If it hadn’t hit me before, it surely started to dawn on me then what exactly the virus was. She told me about how it was lifelong, highly contagious, and the prognosis for the remaining duration of my initial herpes outbreak. Essentially, I learned all of the scary aspects of the virus within minutes of being diagnosed. At that moment, I thought my life was over. The tears I’d been trying so hard to contain spilled out as I realized the challenges of this virus. Without hesitation, she comforted me, providing tissues and a cordial hug while I processed the news.
To this day, that moment is still difficult to relive. What’s not as difficult? Living with the virus today. That moment was only the beginning of my journey with an STD. Like anyone in this situation, I deal with the fear of rejection, transmitting it to someone else, and question what the rest of my life will look like with it. However, I’ve learned a lot about myself, this virus, and navigating this part of my life. Yes, my life has changed – for better and worse. While herpes comes with its share of consequences, I’ve found ways to mitigate the risks and threats that it poses to my life. I’ve discovered how my medication, being upfront with partners about my status, and therapy have helped me adjust better than I ever could’ve ever imagined. More than anything though, it was my support system who truly supported me through this process emotionally. My mom’s dedication to helping me cope is especially to thank. Her acceptance of me and what I have and being there every step of the way helped me to get to the place I am today. Through the work I’ve put into coping with the diagnosis, I’ve found so many silver linings and made the best out of a bad situation.
To learn more about herpes, check out this page from Mayo Clinic. — Disclaimer: graphic imaging