I knew I was different when I was about 14. Everyone around me was smiling, enjoying class, and heading to soccer practice after school. I, on the other hand, was shutting myself away, socializing but not to the fullest extent, and dating a boy. I know, right? A boy! Just like everyone else, I was dating boys and enjoyed the attention, but it felt as if something was missing, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
A few months later, we broke up and just became really close friends instead. Cliche, right? I know, I know. I was much happier without the burden of not being able to reciprocate his feelings. I was breaking my own heart while breaking his as well. However, I had no idea that my friends were noticing a difference in me that I was unaware of.
Time kept passing: I was taking driver’s education, joining the marching band, putting myself out there–everything that was deemed an “essential” part of the high school experience by high school movie standards. Little did I know, these were just things I was part of that helped shape myself to this day. During my freshman year of high school, I came to the conclusion that I liked girls and that there was nothing wrong with that. After having suppressed those feelings for a long time, it felt good to put a label on who I was. The next step was to come out. Possibly parents? Absolutely not. I made the executive decision to tell some of my closest friends.
Many of the conversations went like this, “(Insert name here), I have to tell you something” and they would respond with something like “For sure! You can tell me anything” or “This oughta be good, J!” Then after hesitating for a few minutes, I would mutter a quiet “I think I like girls and I hope that this doesn’t drive a wedge between us or anything.” They always responded with, “Absolutely not! I knew you were gay when you stopped talking about boys and dressed in flannels and Vans every day!”
I was always so thankful to have such a welcoming group of friends, especially ones that pointed out the stereotypical lesbian aspects that I had embodied– flannels, Vans, and beanies. I understood my place in the world as a gay woman and just how much of an impact I had on other people. Granted, many were unkind and said very hurtful things, especially along the lines of religion. I was taken aback by how long I had hidden my true self from myself. I had been a prisoner to my own habit of numbing my emotions, and then people had the audacity to tell me just how disgusting I was when I came out. It shouldn’t be hard to imagine why I found myself isolated shortly thereafter.
At the time, I was playing guitar for my community church, local show-choir group, and jazz band. I was always busy socializing in some way, but I still felt so alone. Yeah, I had friends in those activities, but not friends that I could open up to without fear of being shunned or turned down again. They were friends that I wouldn’t hang out with outside of those activities. I was in a vicious cycle that spiraled so far beneath happiness that I almost felt as if there was no way out. I was successful in playing guitar and being noticed by many stores, Cirque du Soliel, and other churches, but no one knew just how big of a secret I was keeping from them. Once the church found out, however, people refrained from making eye contact with me, the show choir group celebrated me, and I lost interest in Cirque du Soliel because of how unhappy I had become.
Sophomore year came and went, and I had taken the liberty of moving to Chicago to finish high school. Let me tell you–I had never felt more liberated to leave a town filled with so many people I knew to begin a new life in a new place that I knew would ultimately benefit me in the end. I had left my first girlfriend (who will remain nameless) and made new relationships. She was upset, but I was finally out from under her thumb that was taking much of my social energy. I was finding myself out with more friends, being more than a social butterfly, and flourishing.
I had dated a few girls, but one stuck with me for a lot longer than I thought she would. I made many new friends and developed a new understanding of the world through spending time with her. I will forever be thankful for the time we had together. Shortly after graduating high school, I lingered in the past while attending community college. During this time I decided to be more open and discover new things about my mental health once and for all.
In March, I moved to Arizona with my mom and was promptly sent into isolation with the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. I was heartbroken by this stunted fresh start, but I am forever grateful to Bumble (not sponsored) for introducing me to my current girlfriend. I had made the most amazing friends, discovered a lot about myself that was once hidden, and took many leaps of faith when I found myself isolated and falling back into my comfort zone.
Because of her, I was able to then discover real happiness and talk to so many new people. Yes, I had worked in retail throughout all of high school and socializing was not a new concept to me, but I was keeping real conversations going that weren’t just about superficial things like clothes or coffee.
I will forever be grateful for the group of people that have stuck by my side over the years. And as crazy as it may seem, I am also thankful for the people that chose to not stick by my side because they taught me a lot about how close-minded people can be upon learning that someone is not heterosexual. It is because of their ignorance, that I am prepared to face the world as a proud lesbian woman…