Edited by: Kavya Mittal
The idea of Subway, if you think about it, is just so chaotic. You pick a sandwich or a salad or a wrap like you’d do in most restaurants but then you proceed to make it from scratch? You can choose absolutely anything, create an abomination and call it your meal, and no one can say anything (before this article, that is.)
I would honestly be such a bad subway employee because concealing the evident disgust on my face when you order a corn and peas sandwich would be harder than ensuring that the sub doesn’t break apart as soon as I finish making it. So, without further ado, run to Subway, get your usual order and stare at it with either sadness and confusion or pride and satisfaction while you read this article.
- SALAD:
First of all, if you get a salad at Subway, I’m not even going to spend time analysing your choice. Getting everything except the bread doesn’t make it healthier. Subway is just exploiting your guilt about not working out ever since you came to campus which makes you ready and willing to pay 250 bucks for basic kheera tamatar type vegetables. Don’t lie to yourself — I know you hate the plain soggy lettuce too. Get a sub and come back to read. I’m not even going to rate your choice, it’s just sad.
- BREAD:
The only acceptable bread is parmesan oregano. Roasted garlic is a strong second. If you get any of these two, you’re content with the small things in life. You trust people easily because even if you don’t taste the parmesan or garlic in the bread, you believe Subway when they say it’s there. Like white bread, you’re genuinely very likable. Yeah you may not have your shit together but you’re getting there and that’s what’s important. 9/10 for you.
Multigrain is bad. And, I’m not even sorry I said it. If your bread has SEEDS in it your opinion on literally anything is automatically invalid. If you go a step forward and get honey oat or multi-grain honey oat, I’m just going to assume you hate yourself. We’re not in 1750 anymore, I swear you have more options. Who are you doing this fake healthy thing for? I’m literally watching you put cheese and mayonnaise on it. 4/10. Do better.
All other pieces of bread to me are irrelevant, which kinda makes you irrelevant but don’t worry, I’m sure you’re much better than the bird-like people who get excited about seeds in their bread. So, 6/10 for you.
- FILLING:
- If you’re a veggie delight person, you probably went to Subway the first time in 3rd grade with your mother who got you the healthiest thing on the menu and you just stuck with it. Do you eat your burger without the patty too? Just bun and half a tomato? You straight up have no original personality. You adopt a new one based on your favourite character from the latest show you finished. Your hands are constantly full and you have no idea why. People usually walk over you because you’re too nice. Get a grip. 3/10
- If you get corn and peas or chatpata channa, just ????? what. Who hurt you? Subway is the one thing you can choose to make however you like and this what you choose?? You’re eating sadness. Please get help. 2/10
- Mexican patty is the superior filling. You’re straight-up elite. 10/10 for the sub and for existing. I’m sure your choices in other things in life are just as good, if not better ;)
- Hara bhara kabab is like the sad cousin of Mexican patty that gets sidelined at family functions because they haven’t achieved enough. I see you. I know you’re doing your best but stop craving validation — you’ll start spiraling again bestie. 8/10.
- If you get chicken teriyaki/chicken slice or Italian BMT, you’re a fun person and also very smart at the same time. I would be friends with you. You have great instincts and are usually the ‘I told you so’ person in your friend group. You help everyone around you and genuinely have decent control over your life. Solid 9/10.
- If you get a tuna sub, you’re a psychopath. You probably have 8 alarms that wake up everyone else but you, you leave the toilet unflushed, you honk immediately after the light turns green and you don’t throw your trash in the dustbin. Find God. -1/10.
- VEGETABLES:
This is actually not going to be as problematic as you think. Just get more than 4 vegetables and you’re good. Don’t be that picky kid that makes faces every time someone says tomato or capsicum. You’re 18+ years old. You can’t just eat bread and sauce. If you do only get like 3 vegetables, you’re probably the type to rehearse even routine conversations in your head before having them. You stay awake till 4 am overthinking past mistakes and embarrassing situations. You’re super organized and even a small change in routine would make you super mad. 5/10 for you only because you give me middle schooler vibes.
If you’re reckless and get all vegetables, including yucky ones like pickles, you’re definitely overcompensating for the lack of love in your life. You’re not going to find your significant other at Subway. 7/10 because you usually use humor as a coping mechanism and have the best collection of stickers on Whatsapp. You can be a 10/10 — just ditch the pickles.
- SAUCES:
3 sauces. Don’t overdo it. If you get JUST ONE sauce, I’m here if you need to talk about anything. It gets better I promise. If you get ALL the sauces, your life has too much happening for me to actively listen. Take a break.
- Honey mustard — 10/10. You know exactly what you’re doing.
- Chipotle southwest — 9/10. You love drama, not being part of it but observing from the side. Adds a little kick to your boring life.
- Sweet onion — 8.5/10. You’re really misunderstood. People hate on you before even getting to know you :( but once they do, they realize what a gem you really are!
- Red chili — 6/10. You give a spicy personality to the sub for the lack of your own. It can’t work like that.
- Mint mayo — 7/10. Cool cool. You probably always have the last word in every argument and internally think you’re better than anyone else. You do and say a lot of questionable things but laugh right after so no one knows if you’re being serious or not.
- Normal mayo — 3/10. BORINGGGG. You secretly want to be like mint mayo but you’re too scared. Don’t be shy. Also, take this as a cue to color your hair — I know you want to.
- BBQ — 4/10. It’s a sandwich. I don’t even know why it’s an option but you barbeque person, crave attention, and are usually the loudest in the room. You have multiple friend circles but feel like you don’t fit in anywhere. You get a new tattoo after every minor inconvenience. No, but for real, stop ruining your sandwich. What are these self-destructive tendencies?
And that’s it! My opinions are definitely full and final because I’m a super qualified Subway connoisseur. Here’s a double chocolate chip cookie for smiling through the pain as I trash on what you believed was ‘the perfect creation’ and the only meal that gave you joy on campus :)