The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
Edited by: Advaita Singh
Ah, coffee. It makes the world go round. For a lot of people, it’s the only way to get through the day, while for others it’s a fun little treat — unless you’re a tea person, in which case I’m scared of you and I don’t trust you because you’re eerily calm and that triggers my fight or flight. I believe that the coffee you order says a lot about you as a person, so here I am to psychoanalyze and judge you relentlessly, because obviously, I’m a qualified expert from my years of caffeination.
Espresso: Bitter, undiluted coffee. It’s pretty much just liquid coffee beans. You’re an overachiever who ruined their caffeine tolerance in high school. Your brain needs it’s switch-on juice at lethal doses for you to get through the day and the only way to do that now is through torturing your tastebuds. Your brain and tongue don’t really like each other anymore.
Double espresso: Liquid coffee beans, but more. You’re either a med student or a psychopath.
Macchiato: Espresso with a little steamed milk because you go hard, but not that hard. You’re also an overachiever with a ruined coffee tolerance, but you want aesthetic coffee pictures for your gorgeous instagram feed.
Americano: Why do you like drinking dirt? You voluntarily drink watery espresso? Are you okay? I feel like I can’t trust you because I just cannot figure you out. You’re a mystery.
Flat white: You kind of just want a latte but you can’t handle being perceived as basic either.
cafe mocha: Honestly, just say you want a hot chocolate. Don’t lie to me and tell me you’re a coffee person. Grow up and drink the yucky bitter stuff like the rest of us if you want your caffeine fix.
Cafe au lait: You live your life to the ratatouille soundtrack.
Cold brew: You love headaches so much, you became one. STOP YELLING! WE CAN HEAR YOU AT A NORMAL VOLUME, AND STOP STANDING ON THE TABLE!
Frappuccino: You weren’t allowed coffee until you turned 16, and now you can’t handle the bitterness and the tiniest amount of caffeine makes you jittery, but you still want to be included so you settle for coffee scented sugary milk.
Iced latte: You’re super chill — way too chill for a hot latte. You meditate everyday, and have all your chakras aligned. You don’t need the caffeine, you just like how sweet, milky coffee tastes. Your dog is trained so well it can pretty much talk, and your houseplants never die.
Iced mocha: You want hot chocolate but it’s summer and all your friends are drinking iced coffee. You’re the kind of person who hates the sun and wants winter back as soon as it’s February. You probably also put up your Christmas decorations in November and listen to Mariah Carrey all year round. You weirdo.
Irish coffee: Finals week is approaching and you miss partying.
Decaf: You’re either ten years old (go get a juice box, get out of here) or you have your life together and don’t need caffeine to feel alive. You’re telling me you drink coffee for the taste and not for the sudden rush of life followed by the painful crash? Tell me, what’s life without excitement like?
What’s my usual order, you ask? Well, that’s a secret I’ll never tell.