Edited by: Pratyusha Gupta
Last week I turned twenty. Twenty. Yes, you heard me right. I officially entered the infamous roaring twenties and boy do I feel old. Dramatic, aren’t I? As one more candle pierced through my childish choice of double chocolate truffle cake, (with extra sprinkles), my perfectly nineteen candles made a friend.
As my twentieth year envelops me in this unnerving world of adulthood and big decisions, there are a few things I must confess…
- I still sleep with my stuffed animal from when I was seven, and yes he has a name.
- That friend who broke my heart and isn’t much of a friend anymore- I miss her every day.
- Trial rooms in stores scare me, more than anything.
- I always leave the last bite. Of everything. Yes, it’s silly, and no, I don’t know why I do it.
- I’m scared I’ll give all my love to the wrong boy, again.
- I still look under my bed sometimes. Not always for monsters but for the comfort of knowing that some childish fears never really leave you.
- I tell myself I’m living each day like it’s my last, but I fear I’m just existing.
- I tell white lies to save bleeding hearts.
- I find every reason to drop in my two cents, in ANY conversation.
- I’d much rather spend a Thursday night wrapped up in blankets and instant ramen than secondhand smoke and small talk.
- I’m terrified to put on that dress I bought but never wear.
- I have a folder of unsent letters to my future self. Not because I have lots to tell, but because I’m terribly afraid of forgetting who I am right now.
- I’ve kept every letter I’ve ever received, and often I read them just to hear the voice of a whispering heart, too afraid to speak.
- I’ve been more loyal to dreams and journal entries than to people and places. The musings in my heart are the patchwork of my soul and I hold them the tightest, in fear of their fraying in the brittle realities of the real world.
- Sometimes I wish I wasn’t good at comfort. I got so busy tying other people’s loose ends, that I left my own heart untied.
- The bravest thing I ever did was love someone with all my heart who loved me with just a singular cell.
- I dance like no one’s watching, only when no one really is.
- I save concert tickets and restaurant bills to remind myself of the fleeting moments of my favorite lyrics and iced teas I loved.
- I’m deathly afraid that I’ll never live up to my truest potential.
- I waited nineteen years to turn twenty, and now I wish I could rewind the clock a year.
As I dive headfirst into my twentieth lap around the sun, I can’t help but feel a bittersweet crack in my heart as I bid farewell to my teenage years.
To the last nineteen years: I’ve loved life & I’ve lived life. I’ve had the best times and the lowest lows, but I’ve been grateful for the cards I have been dealt; no matter how unlucky. And boy does my luck suck.
As the big 2 0 approaches, I hope it’s exactly what I’ve envisioned- a glimpse into adulthood. I hope I learn to love myself the way I always should have. I hope I confront my fears of expression and begin to value my heart and mind like I deserve to. I hope I attract the energy I’ve always needed to uplift me and help me grow into who I need to be. I hope I find people that love me for me and allow me to be her. I hope I stay passionate about the things that make life worth it. I hope I put on my rose-tinted glasses and see the world as a bit brighter than it really is.
Dear 20, I hope you’re what I’ve always needed.