(Not) a step higher

Edited by: Vrinda Rastogi

Okay, I need a breather. I have been working like a robot and yet there seems to be no fruitful result. I keep slipping down the steps instead of running up them. It’s almost as if I am living the Myth of Sisyphus. But, maybe, just maybe I’ll reach a bit higher today, even if it is just a step above. 

guys

you

update

and

today

step 

4th

the

on 

start

  I’ll

I had a class at 11:50 am and I woke up at 11:46 am. Like yesterday and the day before, I woke up feeling groggy, almost as if I didn’t sleep. Four minutes wasn’t enough time to get dressed so I decided to just drag myself to class in my pajamas. The class was just as usual, the professor made an attempt at Freud jokes which I almost ended up fake laughing at. I typed notes on my laptop, not understanding a word of them. Right after that, I walked to the mess not feeling hungry at all. Honestly, I never do it nowadays. But my feet automatically carry me to the mess at 1:20 pm, where I find myself waiting for my friends every Monday and Wednesday. At the end of the day today, I decided to wind down. My routine had become too routine, so I decided to journal for a change today. 

Flipping through the pages I realized how I used to journal every day and had so much to talk about. It hit me then that lately, I had been feeling like a zombie. Don’t get me wrong, my reflex did not involve an intense hunger for human blood. In fact, it did not involve any hunger at all. But simply that my emotions were shut down. No part of my brain felt conscious. The sense of “I am alive but dead” had taken over my mind and body, just like parasites would take over a zombie’s brain. I was surprised that I didn’t notice the first day that this happened, because now that I think about it, it’s been quite a while. 

Maybe I got so used to the routine day, that the fact that my body was mindlessly following instructions seemed absolutely normal. I am positive that my brain had shut off in the past few days– I was undertaking tasks without thinking about them at all. I was only doing them because I had to. The autopilot mode in my brain was so apparent to me now that I realized I was putting food in my stomach because I needed to, and not because I was actually ever hungry. 

It was an unsettling feeling because I knew exactly where it stemmed from. Each day, I was trying to figure out my life, trying to put together pieces of a puzzle that I had an exact mental picture of. I was so fixated on it, that it got messed up on the way up. I had been moving my feet as fast as I could. I enjoyed it at first: the thrill I got from ticking off a task from my to-do list, the rush from the gym. But the more I did it, the more I realized that the steps just don’t seem to be like an ocean–- infinite. I felt that I was stuck in a rut– something that I maybe won’t be able to get out of. But I found comfort in that, so I just pushed myself more down the rabbit hole. I could have stopped. Maybe gone a little easier on myself. I could have made a few changes to my day that would have been better for my mental health. But instead, I think I found it easier to resort to something familiar. 

 Anyway, I have an 8:30 am tomorrow morning. Brush, class in pajamas, type notes, nap, lunch, class, assignment, dinner. It’s routine, but it’s gonna be a long day. My brain is going to be as dead as it is going to be alive. Before sleeping, I also need to look up the steps. 

I 

Am

  on 

the

3rd 

step 

now, 

a 

step 

lower 

than 

yesterday

I shouldn’t have journaled. Routine is good, at least mindlessly following instructions didn’t make me go a step lower from my goal.  

• ASHOKA UNIVERSITY
• life
• routine