Edited By: Lavanya Goswami
Disclaimer: In no way does the usage of the word prospect imply comparing a college student cohort to an elite mafia. All interviews are fictional accounts (please do not CADI me).
***
Interviewer: Why apply here?
Prospect 1: Because the academic programs are fantastic?
Interviewer: That sounded like a question.
Prospect 1: It is a question. I don’t know how studying here is going to turn out.
Interviewer: Did you not go through the testimonials and reviews linked on our website?
Prospect 1: On your website. There is zero chance of those being bias-free.
Interviewer: We have a respected reputation, and our alumni continue to forge new paths. Why would you not trust us?
Prospect 1: Exactly. Yet you ask me why I want to study here? In this respected institution with well-connected legacies?
***
Interviewer: Why should we consider you?
Prospect 1: Because I applied for admission – you are legally bound to do so.
Interviewer: Right. What can you do for the institution?
Prospect 1: All of it will depend on what the institution teaches me. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Interviewer: …
***
Interviewer: You were quite active in your school council. How has that experience become significant for you?
Prospect 1: Something about being pushed around by feral junior students during recess really marks up a person inside.
Interviewer: Feral?
Prospect 1: Completely. I saw two fight and rip off each others’ clothes right in front of the entire student body.
***
Interviewer: So why volunteer at old age homes?
Prospect 1: Why not?
Interviewer: There must be some sentimental reason – losing a loved one too soon, compassion, learning from their experiences, anything like that?
Prospect 1: I thought it would look good on my application.
Interviewer: If that’s the real reason, why stop here? Why not do something more?
Prospect 1: Like curing cancer?
Interviewer: …
***
Interviewer: Tell me why you want to major in X subject.
Prospect 2: I’m drawing a blank right now. Can I get back to you on this?
Interviewer: Don’t be nervous. We’re having a conversation.
Prospect 2: I’m sorry, I just really am quite nervous right now.
Interviewer: Understandable. But you can surely talk about something you are very passionate about?
Prospect 2: Yeah… So, like, I was obsessed with chemistry after I realized that I could swirl around two transparent liquids in a test tube and the resultant mixture could turn red…
(Prospect 2 rambles on for 15 minutes. The poor interviewer cannot bear to stop them.)
***
Prospect 2: … And I think it’s cool how the lone pair of electrons switch positions regularly…
Interviewer (hurriedly): Yes, it seems very interesting. Any particular faculty you’re interested in?
Prospect 2: Faculty?
Interviewer: Yeah, your would-be professors.
Prospect 2: What do you mean by any? I’m a huge fan of them all!
***
Prospect 2: … so that’s why I think Professor Xavier’s paper was smashing.
Interviewer: You know, she’d be glad to work with you if you do become one of our students.
Prospect 2: Really?
Interviewer: Yeah. You’re passionate about it as well.
Prospect 2 (eyes shining): I’d love that.
***
Interviewer: Anything else you’re excited about on campus?
Prospect 2: My parents will not be there. I can do whatever we want.
Interviewer: We do have rules.
Prospect 2: Do you though?
***
Interviewer: So, as I was saying…
Prospect 3 (cuts them off): Am I blinking enough? I think I am.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Prospect 3: Like, what’s the right amount of eye contact? My eyes are burning and I think I haven’t been blinking for quite a while.
Interviewer: Are you alright?
Prospect 3: I’m splendid. Shall we start talking about me?
***
Interviewer: So yeah, the housing conditions are great. However, they are under the purview of Student Life.
Prospect 3: Can we get mini fridges?
Interviewer: For what?
Prospect 3: … Chocolate.
***
Interviewer: You had interesting college major choices.
Prospect 3: Yeah, I don’t know what to do with my life.
Interviewer: Why are you even applying for college then?
Prospect 3(shrugs): Parental pressure.
***
Prospect 3: Ideally, I’d like to do the least amount of work as a student.
Interviewer: This is college. You’ll have to put in a minimum amount of effort to succeed in it. And if you like it, you won’t mind working so hard…
Prospect 3: I know. If I wanted to be a slave, I would have traveled back in time to the Roman Empire.
Interviewer: … You need to go to an education counselor.
***
The interviews are finally over. The interviewer needs a glass of whiskey, neat. They may even finish the entire bottle. They have another grueling round the next day.