Edited by: Ajitesh V.
The roommate’s party never ends. The guy that you have a crush on doesn’t even notice you. Mess food may not be comfort food but it reminds you of home. When I look back at my first semester at Ashoka I remember everything pristinely. The memories are etched in my mind and serve as a reminder of what I have endured and the kind of person I will become in the years to come. College can be terrifying and the thought of going through one of the most erratic times of your life alone can be bothersome and haunt you for ages when you sit all alone in your dorm room. There’s a catch though! All of this doesn’t have to be so frightening and as an Ashokan who has been through all of this, it’s my time to reflect and take a trip down memory lane.
Part I- The dreaded (recurring) situation of sitting alone in the mess halls
As a (somewhat) shy girl I would usually take my tray of food and choose to sit in the corners of the mess halls, trying my best to become obscured from the rest of the crowd. It was quite despondent in the beginning to sit all by myself, blasting punk rock on Spotify and observing everyone already socializing in their respective friend circles. A million questions would come to my mind- How do they know each other so well? How can people trauma dump already? Is this how I am supposed to spend the rest of my college life being miserable and all alone? Then one day, as time passed I realized that it is totally alright to be this way. I harboured the strength to initiate conversations with people and ended up enjoying my own company while being alone. There is a peculiar yet tranquil bliss to be composed amidst a room of chaos and chatter. Gradually, I let go and there is nothing that I would change today.
Part II- Sometimes your GPA sucks
Being in one of the top institutions in the country made me quickly aware of the fact that I was nothing of prime importance, just an academically inclined human in the presence of other academically inclined humans. Ashoka was insanely competitive. It was quite daunting for me to cope with the fast-paced life here (yes I had breakfast every single morning). Everything about college seemed to perturb me and despite ending with a good grade I entered the vicious cycle of trying to outdo others by simply being the best. To me, I simply wasn’t good enough. Long days drained my energy and I stayed up all night thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong the next day…and the loop went on and on. Don’t get me wrong, I still have not fully recovered from the hustle, but I have now come to terms with the fact that my GPA—while being of paramount importance and rewarding— is not the sole definition of who I am. If I could go back to my first semester and change my grade, I would… but I refuse to mourn over not being as competent as those around me.
Part III- Relationships and the inevitable heartache
Remember when I mentioned sitting alone in the mess halls? Well, I met a guy there. He wore steel-rimmed glasses and listened to classic rock. Obviously, I befriended him. The days seemed somehow less strenuous and everything was buoyant. He became my first friend in college and we listened to Mazzy Star together. I showed pictures of the old me and he told me about the snow he had seen last year in his hometown all throughout December. Days turned into months and my fondness for him turned into something more endearing than before. I knew it would not fare well. I put our conversations to a halt and after that things were just never the same again. Not to worry we’re still friends (I think) but it’s alright to nurture feelings for a person and not have them reciprocate the same sentiments that you would want them to. Things just don’t turn out the way one wants them to… but that should never let you demean yourself and your value. Some things in the universe are eternal, and love is one of them, so give yourself the time and space to blossom.
When I look back in memory and contemplate the words to describe the topsy-turvy nascent freshman days, there it forms an amalgamation of emotions. Jubilant, distressed, foolish, and embarrassed, among other things, but most notable of them all is undoubtedly, contentment. In spite of going through so much, I would still not be hesitant to repeat the same mistakes even today but I want to strive to be more virtuous and kind to those around me.
These takeaways are not my preachy goals or bullet points of a to-do list that I wish to accomplish or avoid for the entirety of my university life. It’s a shared cordial experience that is relatable for every Ashokan out there who has been through it all and still continues to. Let this serve as a reminder to them, urging them to look back in love and fondness. All that happened was for the best and you still have time to be your own person.