By: Tia Garg
Closure comes from conversations and conversations means confrontation but I have never been good at either of those because every time I try to talk my throat closes up and none of the words that I rehearsed in my head seem to translate to a language I can verbally speak.
We’re all made up of words, ones we’ve screamed at the top of our lungs and also the ones we’ve hidden away in our pockets hoping they don’t accidentally slip out and get lost, like loose change. We’re made of the words we know and the ones we do not and I wish I could I say all of those to you but at the same time I don’t think I could talk to you without feeling like the world will end if I tell you what I am thinking.
Typing this out when I should be studying Statistics is probably the closest I will get to ‘saying it out loud’ and maybe it doesn’t matter if the other person hears it or not. Closure comes from conversations and conversations means confrontation but maybe a cup of coffee and the clatter of the keyboard will be enough this time. Here’s me to you, or rather me to me, and here’s to me maybe saying it one day.
When I say closure I don’t mean getting over you completely because a part of my heart will always be with you.
I found out that there are proper research papers written on how our first love leaves an imprint on our brains and the same neurotransmitters that are activated in cases of addiction are triggered to release serotonin, dopamine and endorphins. Essentially, love is scarily close to being an addiction, complete with the jitters, anxiety, relief and chances of relapse.
There are ways to get over people you love (loved? you know I hate that word). Drink till you blackout, download a dating app, indulge in hook-up culture, think about the bad times, cry in the shower, rant to your best friend about how much you hate them, act like their existence does not bother you, the list can go on and on.
But is getting over someone synonymous with forgetting about them? You never fully forget or get over your first love and you were a lot of my (our) firsts. I still remember the first time I fell in love with you.
An Attempt at Closure 1
We were on zoom and you were wearing your red sweatshirt and gamer boy headphones. I remember we were on call because I was sick, cranky and wanted company. We ended up doing the New York Times ‘Questions to fall in love with a stranger’, except I didn’t need 36 questions and 4 minutes of looking into your eyes to tell me I was in love because you had me as soon as you said ‘hello’. Even though it took you 36 questions and 4 more minutes to say it properly and for me to say it back properly, you said hello and I knew. It was early January and I had never been more sure about anything or anyone.
I still remember our first kiss.
It was our first date and you were over at my place. I changed my outfit five times before wearing a black crop top and blue jeans and brushed my teeth thrice. We were supposed to watch a movie because you had never seen Yeh Jawaani Hai Dewani before. We made through 11 minutes before we got distracted and all my nervousness turned into comfort. You were (are) comfort. We got tacos and ice-cream afterwards and I wanted time to freeze.
I remember our first fight.
It was over the most stupid thing ever and it ended with me crying because I was so sure I royally screwed up and was going to lose you. Being vulnerable with someone with the lingering thought that they would leave me because I would either be too much for them to handle or not enough for them made me want to push you away but you stayed. We always fixed things, until one day we didn’t.
What probably sucks the most is that I love you even when I hate you. It takes minimum 120 days to get over someone you love and I’m on day 115. Here’s to openly hoping it works and secretly hoping it doesn’t.