Edited by: Sanjana Hira
There’s something strange about the process of growing up and going out in the world. It’s frightening and wonderful, terrifying and thrilling all at once. I’ve finally adjusted to the roller coaster of emotions that this last year has been, my last year as a college student (at least for the time being), and I am now in a good place to reflect back on my experience. We’re coming to the end of March and the cold Sonipat nights are finally taking a turn towards warmer temperatures. As the flowers on the lawns bloom, I find myself grateful for the time I’ve had at Ashoka and, with a twinge of sadness, looking forward to life outside of it.
The background score for my last year as an Ashokan student has been a low hum of constant terror. I’ve been feeling lost, scared, confused. For the most part, I’ve been frightened of what will happen once I leave the safe walls of the university for the shark-infested waters of the real world. I’ve been uncertain of my place in the world and clinging desperately to what is familiar to me. The pandemic has only served to exacerbate my worst emotions. It has felt like I’ve lost time, as though the world has been on pause and is now suddenly speeding up again. I missed out on two years of Dhaba dinners, months of lying lazily on the lawns in the afternoon sun, nights of sneaking into classrooms to watch movies. I’m being rushed to a conclusion when I haven’t had enough of an opportunity to stop and savour every moment of my college life. I haven’t felt ready.
On top of all this resentment I have towards the universe, I have also been feeling like I’m falling behind everyone else. It seems like everyone knows exactly what’s next for them and because of my uncertainty, I’ve been slow on the uptake. We compare ourselves to those around us—our peers (“Did you hear? She got into grad school!” or “I got placed! I start my job in June”), our parents (“When I was your age…”), and even our idols (“Bill Gates started Microsoft at this point in his life”). All of these things put pressure on us, making us work harder, faster and our own internal monologue more stressed out. Or at least it did for me.
But, growing up is not all anxiety, fear, stress. With age, experience, and time comes that elusive thing — wisdom (as much as one can have at 22). I realised that this idea of life as being linear — ahead, behind is so restrictive. It doesn’t leave room for the important things like exploration and curiosity. Yes, confusion can be disorienting and scary (as it definitely was for me) but it is also rife with potential. Not knowing where you’re going to be, gives you the option to be anywhere you want to be. You could try everything (as the Shakira song goes). Possibilities open up to you and the chance for you to find out who you’re meant to be only comes once you’re thrust into the unknown. And, even if you do know what is next for you, you are still on the edge of an adventure, about to embark on a journey of your own choosing. It’s a momentous time and yes, there is fear. But there is also exhilaration and that’s an important thing to remember.
I realised also that, in the grand scheme of things, 22 isn’t old at all. We are on the cusp—the ending of one life and the beginning of another. All we’ve ever known is the regimented existence of school and college life—curfew, meal times, bathing times, everything is decided (and provided) for us. Now, after we graduate, we actually begin our independent adult lives. I, for one, can’t wait to live in what’s probably going to be a shitty apartment, cook meals with my friends, go out on the town without worrying about curfew and just experience adult life to its fullest. It only gets better from here.
As time passes by, I am more and more eager to move on to the next phase of my life, letting go of the feeling of being utterly cheated by the pandemic. Of course, it stole something from me, 2 years of undergraduate life. But I also know that I’m not the same person I was before the crisis. Those two years are what could have been, and I’m more interested in being focused on what is. I’m done with the college experience and it’s time (finally) to move on to bigger and better things.