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Thick As Steel: Loving What You See

Have you ever felt damned? Like some event, person, or decision you made has just damned you?

You realize that you weren’t the person you thought you were, and you don’t like the person looking back at you. You look in the mirror and feel microscopic. A pain proceeds throughout your body, but mostly in your heart because you can’t stop asking yourself when you became so weak. This may have happened once, everyday for the past year, or everyday for the past few years. Regardless, you know that pain and what it feels like to be split in two.

I’ve felt this way for several years now. I wasn’t depressed, but I knew I wasn’t myself anymore. Losing yourself can actually be painful. The pain became easier to hide. Hiding a scar isn’t easy at first, but once you’ve had it for a while, you learn how to cover it up.

I almost always thought about all the places I went wrong. My favorite mistakes and my worst mistakes that had taken ahold of what I had once been. I woke up one day realizing that I didn’t want to feel this aching any longer. I started thinking about how much of life I wasn’t feeling because of this fog I was trapped under. When I was thinking of ways to pick up the pieces that were myself, I was standing in front of a mirror. I soon realized that I had felt worse about myself when I was looking at my own reflection. I could actually see my weaknesses, and they were tangible.

I quickly decided to not look at myself as weak and insecure anymore. If I forced my mind to change its mindset, maybe my heart would too. I knew this sounds like an unlikely solution, but I was determined to try this little project for a week.

At first, I felt like a psychopath just staring at myself and forcing myself to find something that I liked.

On the second day, I learned that I really liked my eyes. My dad and I both had the same shade of green eyes, so it’s something I should cherish.

After three days, I later learned that I liked my lips. I didn’t feel the need to go Kylie crazy with lip enhancers.

A day later, I began to like my nose. Something I thought was impossible. I started waking up excited to discover something new about myself. It was like waking up to go on a scavenger hunt in an attempt to find little pieces of myself.

On the very last day, I didn’t have to put forth effort to feel an adoration for myself. I had found all of the pieces. The piece’s kind of put themselves together again, like they were magnetically attracted to one another. I felt a relief rush over me that morning. A curse was broken.

Not only did I start being okay with my appearance again, but I also grew confident. When I started loving myself in the mirror, I gradually grew back myself. I grew back my passions, my inner strength, my hope for the future. You’re with yourself the most after all. You have to love walking down the street by yourself and waking up in the mornings confident about who you are. When you don’t, you’re only half a person.

It took me seven days to put myself back together. I found myself yesterday. 



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Katy Crisp

App State

If you enjoy tacos and really bad puns, come sit by me. 
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