Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be someone else for just one day? Or maybe, just an hour? Some people would fantasize about being a celebrity, leading a dream life of riches and fame.
For me, I wish to be someone different every day. I want to be someone who can think level headed, and be a normal college girl.
Why? I struggle with depression and anxiety, every single hour, but it really began to peak mid-semester of this year.
I chose not to take as many hours as normal, figuring that things would be easier on me. Yet, with more free time, I allowed myself more time to be a prisoner of my own mind. I would lay in my room, after cancelling plans, just thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. I would think about bad things that could possibly happen in my relationship, I would overanalyze the little things that people said, and I would dwell on every negative aspect of life. I would become overwhelmed by the things that I had to do such as simple tasks or homework, and chose to escape by sleeping my problems away.
What I didn’t realize was that my anxiety was not only impacting myself, but it was putting a crippling amount of pressure on those around me.
With a tragic event recently, my anxiety climaxed to an all time high. I didn’t know how to handle the news I was given, and it was earth-shattering. I felt lost, like I no longer knew who I was, or who I wanted to be. I began analyzing every aspect of situations that had led to such an event- words exchanged, glances, movements, and feelings.
However, after reflecting on myself, I realized that I was letting my anxiety overcome me. Though I didn’t have much control over the feelings I struggle with, the anxiety was becoming a true thief of joy in my life. In fact, at certain points my anxiety had robbed me of my desire to live.
There are times when you have to sit back and take a look within yourself. I’ve had to come to peace with the fact that I cannot change, breakup with, or ignore my anxiety. It is a prevalent part of myself, and who I am as a whole. However, there are small things that I can do to make it better.
For now, I’m enjoying the little things. Rays of sun through my window in the morning, warm vanilla tea, good food, and hearty laughs with friends. I love with my whole being each day, and treat every conversation as though it may be the last I’ll have. I’m working on myself constantly and consistently. It’s never easy, it’s never simple, but it’s always worth it. It takes patience, and motivation all the time. Most importantly, you have to love yourself, to be able to work through the dark cloud that is mental illness.
Do I still get anxious, doubt myself and my relationships, and worry frequently? Yes. Instead of dwelling on these things, I treat each day like a rose. For every thorn on the stem, theres at least four or five beautiful petals. I just focus more on my flower petals now than I do my thorns.