Last night’s Super Bowl provided highs, lows, dancing sharks, interceptions, dead kids, and beyond. Here is the definitive list of winners and losers of Super Bowl 49.
Winners:
Dads.
Almost every car commercial relied heavily on emotion related to dads. America is all about cars and dads; call your dads, America!
“The Blacklist” Promos.
There were SIX “Blacklist” promos that aired during Super Bowl 49, teasing the series’ winter premiere that directly followed the game. NBC really, really wants you to watch “The Blacklist.” If you didn’t know “The Blacklist” existed, you do now. It’ll be interesting to see if “The Blacklist’s” ratings increased from the Super Bowl lead-in. (Note: this author is a “Blacklist” fan, full disclosure.)
Movies.
Jurassic World, Tomorrowland, Fifty Shades of Grey, and many other movie previews aired during Super Bowl 49, promising that 2015 will be an excellent year for blockbusters. Memorable moments included American hero/heartthrob Chris Pratt training velociraptors in the Jurassic World trailer, and this exchange of dialogue from the Fifty Shades of Grey spot:
Christian: “It’s just beyond this door.”
Ana: “What?”
Christian: “My playroom.”
Ana: “For what…like your Xbox and stuff?”
Points for “meta,” Fifty Shades promo department.
Tom Brady.
He did it, everyone. He did it. This Super Bowl victory essentially confirms Brady as the greatest quarterback of all time.
Sharks.
During Katy Perry’s halftime show performance, weird, animated-looking sharks danced among anthropomorphic beach balls and palm trees. Their faces, now gif-ed for eternity, will live on as reaction shots, fodder for Twitter jokes, and among the most memorable halftime show performers of all time. Let’s hear it for the sharks!
Missy Elliott and Lenny Kravitz.
Although Katy Perry delivered an energetic, engaging, and fun performance, both Elliott and Kravitz nearly overshadowed Perry herself. I’ll say it now: Missy Elliott for next year’s halftime show.
American landscapes (especially the Grand Canyon).
America is a vast, beautiful nation with rocks, plains, oceans, and canyons. Who’s up for a cross-country road trip, from sea to shining sea?
Losers:
Children.
Between dead kids (thanks, Nationwide) to abuse (thanks, “The Slap”) to being threatened by murderous dinosaurs (ahem, Jurassic World), kids did not come out of Super Bowl 49 in a great place.
Humor.
Every commercial was sad, the game’s actual commentary was weak, and the end-game brawl left this NFL season on a bitter, violent note. When will it be okay to smile again?
The Seahawks, their fans, and the other 98% of NFL fans.
How does Boston get a championship every other year for over a decade, while some teams wait lifetimes for a chance? Richard Sherman’s reaction summed up this feeling of injustice:
The future, as evidenced by “The Voice” promo.
In what apocalyptic narrative does “The Voice” survive as both a source of entertainment and human competition? Although, for the record, future-Adam Levine still looks amazing, fully embracing the rugged beardedness of the desolate wasteland. This promo still does not indicate a bright future for the human race. Hug your friends!
Next year’s Super Bowl.
I mean, seriously. What can top the excitement of the game, the ridiculousness of the halftime show, and the conversation surrounding everything from Deglategate to the sad Budweiser puppy ads to Queen Elsa Idina Menzel’s thrilling National Anthem? Your move, Super Bowl 50.
Who are some of your winners and losers of this year’s Super Bowl?